petroworldland

The Dangers of Text Messaging: Creepy Old Men

2006-11-15T06:03:00.000-08:00

COACH IS SPARED JAIL OVER SEX TEXTS

A BASKETBALL coach who sent explicit texts to two underage girls has been spared jail.
Mark Appleton, 29, had already lost his job with the Newcastle Eagles for similar behaviour when he was collared again. Newcastle Crown Court heard how Appleton, who taught basketball at a South Shields comprehensive school, bombarded the girls with sex messages in October last year. Over a period of just three days, one of the youngsters received a total of 76 texts. Appleton was arrested when the father of one of the girls read a message he had sent and contacted the police. He admitted two charges of inciting a child to engage in sexual activity. Prosecutor Amanda Rippon told the court how the torrent of messages included pictures of a man's private parts, which Appleton claimed were his, as well as graphic descriptions of sexual acts. Judge Beatrice Bolton sentenced him to a community order for three years, with a supervision requirement and sex offender treatment programme. He was disqualified from working with children for five years and must register as a sex offender for five years. Appleton, of Warwick Street, Sunderland, will be the subject of a sexual offences prevention order, banning him from having any contact with girls under 16. The judge said she was satisfied his behaviour towards the girls was based on fantasy, and would not have resulted in anything happening in reality. She told him: "It seems to me you really do need a lot of help to get yourself in a position where you stop thinking in terms of fantasy and thinking in terms of reality."

This is why I don't text message. The last thing I need to see while sitting around doing schoolwork is somebody's penis.

2006-10-08T12:33:00.000-07:00

2006-09-12T11:00:00.000-07:00

Enjoy what's left of your summer. The pink-slip season is just two weeks away

2006-08-15T06:30:00.000-07:00

U.S. workers should enjoy the summer because if history is a guide, the Labour Day weekend in September may kick off the heaviest downsizing period of the year.

The number of planned job cuts in the United States tumbled to a six-year low of 37,178 in July, according to Challenger Gray & Christmas Inc. However, that drop might prove to be a “brief respite before downsizing season begins,” the outplacement consultants said in a note.

In six of the last 10 years, employers have cut the most jobs during the last four months of the year. Of the 9,650,298 job cuts announced in the past decade, 38 per cent took place after Labour Day, compared to 34 per cent in the first four months and 28 per cent during the middle four months.

“The end of the year is a precarious time for workers,” said chief executive John Challenger. Companies are scrambling to meet earnings targets and budgeting for the coming year, decisions that will influence whether they need to fire or hire staff.

“Workers may be particularly vulnerable this year as soaring energy prices and higher costs related to salaries and benefits eat into companies' profit margins,” Mr. Challenger said. “These costs could make it more likely that employers will cut payrolls.”

Police capture shooting suspect after his girlfriend accidentally calls 911 instead of Domino's. Cops arrive in 30 minutes or less

2006-08-15T06:27:00.000-07:00

La Vista police have a wanted man behind bars, all thanks to a call for pizza. Authorities say Carlos Vazquez's girlfriend accidentally called 9-1-1 when she thought she was calling Domino's.

Vazquez, 18, was wanted for the shooting of an apartment building in June.

Then his girlfriend accidentally called the last people Vazquez wanted to see--the police.

It was an easy mistake to make. The first three digits of the number she tried to dial are 9-9-1.

When she realized she had hit 9-1-1 instead, the woman hung up, and officers showed up to investigate.

Lt. Kevin Pokorny of the La Vista Police Department said, "As in all 9-1-1 calls, they aren't sure if these are hang-ups because someone made a mistake dialing, or someone really needs help."

When police showed up they recognized Vazquez's girlfriend. After a short search, they found Vazquez hiding behind a stereo speaker in the basement.

He faces seven felony charges.

Today's having sex with a 15 year old story.

2006-08-11T11:44:00.000-07:00

MUSKEGON HEIGHTS, Mich. -- A woman who feared she would lose her boyfriend while she recuperated from surgery arranged for her 15-year-old daughter to have sex with him, authorities said.

Police said the three signed an agreement specifying the sexual services the girl would perform and the compensation she would receive, including clothing and body piercings. The 37-year-old man and the girl had sex about 20 times over two months, police said.

"It's incredible that any parent would be involved in such a blatant case of abuse against her own daughter," prosecutor Tony Tague told The Muskegon Chronicle for a story published Thursday.

Authorities investigated after the girl talked to another adult, said police Detective Calvin Mahan.

The woman was freed on $25,000 bond after being arraigned on three counts of third-degree criminal sexual conduct.

The boyfriend, Michael J. Fitzgibbon, was being held without bail. He was arraigned last week on six counts of first-degree criminal sexual conduct.

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It was unclear Thursday whether Fitzgibbon had an attorney.

Now thats what I'm talkin about!

2006-08-11T08:17:00.000-07:00

Back To College at Wal-Mart

2006-08-10T09:14:00.000-07:00

New Orleans police deny man's request to shoot him dead, citing a city ordinance making it only legal to shoot people against their will

2006-08-09T14:26:00.000-07:00

A man who police said was depressed after he found out he didn't have enough insurance money to rebuild his Katrina-ravaged New Orleans home was arrested Tuesday after trying to get police to shoot him to death, New Orleans police said.

John McCusker, a photographer for The Times-Picayune, was taken into custody. Police said he will be charged, but were unsure what charges will be filed. He was being held under psychiatric observation.

"The individual is a really fine professional who was so depressed that he set out today to commit suicide by cop," said James Arey, commander of the police negotiation team during SWAT and other emergency situations.

"It was to the great credit of the police officers on this scene that they would not do what he wanted and kill him but instead apprehended him alive by Tasering him," Arey said.

Police said they noticed McCusker driving erratically near Napoleon Avenue and Baronne Street shortly before 7:30 p.m., but when they tried to pull him over, he drove away as they followed him. He struck several parked cars and was pulled over at the corner of Baronne and Upperline streets.

One police officer holding a gun knocked on the window of the driver's door and ordered him out of the car, police said. A second police officer was behind the car.

McCusker rolled the window down and said several times, "Just kill me, get it over with, kill me," Arey quoted him as saying.

When the officer did not shoot, McCusker put the car in reverse and pinned one of the officers between the rear bumper of his car and the officer's cruiser, police said. While pinned, the officer fired two shots at the tires of the car, but missed, and the man was able to get away again.

The officer suffered minor injuries

With police following him, McCusker made his way to St. Charles Avenue, going out of his way to knock down any signs advertising construction, Arey said.

Police spokeswoman Bambi Hall said McCusker's car came to a stop on the neutral ground of Jefferson Avenue just to the lake side of St. Charles. Police said they pulled him out of the car to handcuff him but he resisted. They had to Taser McCusker to subdue and handcuff him, police said.

All the while he was yelling expletives and begging them to kill him, police said.

Arey said this is one of many examples of the mental damage that Katrina has caused, and he sees it all the time now.

Huskers Land 5-Star QB

2006-08-09T06:48:00.000-07:00

No longer content with traveling to foreign lands, meeting interesting people, and killing them, the U.S. Army wants to open a theme park

2006-08-08T14:19:00.000-07:00

FORT BELVOIR, Virginia (AP)--The U.S. Army is considering a proposal to allow a private developer to build a military theme park that would include "4D" rides and bars including a "1st Division Lounge."

Military officials said a massive entertainment and hotel complex built next to a national Army museum could draw more than 1 million people a year. But authorities in Fairfax County, Virginia, are objecting because of already traffic-clogged roads surrounding the proposed site.
Universal City Property Management III, of Orlando, Florida, submitted the unsolicited proposal for the theme park last year.

"You can command the latest M-1 tank, feel the rush of a paratrooper freefall, fly a Cobra Gunship or defend your B-17 as a waist gunner," according to the proposal, which was obtained by The Washington Post.

County officials have no authority over the Army's decision because the site is federal property. County Supervisor T. Dana Kauffman said he thought the entertainment concept died last year and said he had no interest in turning a military museum into "Disney on Rolling Road."
But the Army notified the county last week it is planning to move the military museum from Fort Belvoir to a site a few miles away that would be large enough for the entertainment complex.

The Washington Post reported that the Army is considering the entertainment venue to help offset the cost of the $300 million museum, which a spokesman said is scheduled to open in 2013.

Cool dad drives tank through town to buy ice cream for kids

2006-08-08T07:05:00.000-07:00

A Czech man drove a Armoured Personnel Carrier (APC) through a historic town centre to buy his kids an ice cream.

Miroslav Tucek, 34, now faces a €450+ ($575/£310) fine after driving the 12-tonne military vehicle through Hradec Kralove. He told police it was too far to walk from his home and he had promised his kids an ice cream.

He said he had to use the APC, which he bought from the Czech military, as his car had broken down. Only light vehicles are allowed in the historic centre of Hradec Kralove in the northern Czech Republic.

Doctors say carts can be a danger to children

2006-08-07T14:18:00.000-07:00

Pediatricians blame design, urge parents not to put kids in them!

The nation's pediatricians are warning parents today against putting children in shopping carts.

"Parents are strongly encouraged to seek alternatives," says the American Academy of Pediatrics, which reports that shopping carts were involved in injuries to more than 24,000 children last year, mostly when a child fell out or a cart tipped over.

But parents who have tried to pick up a couple things at the store while keeping their children from toppling the displays or playing hide-and-seek in the clothing racks may find the warning hard to accommodate.

"So what are you supposed to do with your kids?" asked Sheryl Enomoto of Pacifica

The American Academy of Pediatrics offers this advice if you must put your children in a shopping cart:

-- Look for safer carts, such as ones with a low-to-the-ground molded plastic seat or toy car on front for children to ride in.

-- Use safety belts or harnesses.

-- Never leave a child alone in a cart.

-- Never let a child stand up in a cart.

-- Don't place an infant carrier on top of a cart or an older child in a cart's basket.

-- Don't allow children to ride on the outside of a cart, or to climb or push a cart with another child inside.

Source: American Academy of Pediatrics report "Shopping Cart-Related Injuries to Children" to be released today -- www.aap.org.

2006-08-04T10:40:00.000-07:00

Where You Left Off

2006-06-16T08:49:00.000-07:00

Yo! With the decline of posts on ePetro I've decided to share with you a new blog about music, style, culture, and everything intertwined. Enjoy!

Nebraska offers new QB

2006-06-09T05:34:00.000-07:00

NU offered dual threat QB Marvin McNutt out of St. Louis today...our Iowa Rivals.com site has confirmed it and we will be in touch with him this week. Fucking McNutt jersey's. Hell yes.

2006-06-08T05:28:00.000-07:00

2006-06-01T08:33:00.000-07:00

Al-Quaeda?

Irish this is for you. So a TSA screener, no doubt drunk on the smidge of power she is given, pulls an 83 year old wheel chair bound woman out for a random screening. She makes her stand up out of her wheelchair and raise her arms above her head so she can be searched for bombs or guns or whatever.

When her daughter protested and said she is not supposed to stand up. The screener said, "You'd better change your attitude. Or do you want me to make it so you don't fly today?"

After defending our freedom, the TSA screener put her back in the chair and sent her on her way. The daughter went to the screener's supervisor to get her name, which he refused to give.

Her is the best part. The daughter sent a letter to the TSA:

"Although I imagine this complaint will go straight to the trash and the agent responsible will face no consequences and receive no reprimand, I could not sleep until I at least voiced my outrage...If you've read this far, I'm surprised. But if you have, you can now toss this letter, send me one of those form letters indicating you take these kinds of complaints 'very seriously' and are going to investigate the matter, blah blah blah, and get back to more important activities."

And the TSA's response:

"When we receive complaints, we take them very seriously, we investigate them and we address any personnel issues as appropriate."

Whole thing here

Droz's new site

2006-06-01T08:30:00.000-07:00

Okay, Droz has a new site where one can review omaha bars, events, attractions, parks, dance clubs, etc. It is called www.omaha-review.com oddly enough. It is on the sidebar now. So from now instead of bitching about the bar we are going to on the weekends you can get it out of your system on this here "Internet".

Omaha Review

2006-06-01T08:22:00.000-07:00

Hey all, in the spirit of creating as many business ideas as possible, I've created another. Omaha Review! www.omaha-review.com - take a look, leave a review, suggest a topic to review, etc....Cheers and spread the word yo!

2006-05-26T11:28:00.000-07:00

Leeerooooyyyyyyy GJenkins!!!!

2006-05-24T11:10:00.000-07:00

Classic!

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6582317322132450178&q=leroy+jenkins

Denny Hatch's Common Sense

2006-05-23T09:17:00.000-07:00

So there's this guy that has this newsletter. That’s the long and short of it. He's always spouting off about how "one time my father was having brunch with President Roosevelt and Superman, discussing the plight of the free world, and the waiter messed up their order and didn't even apologize," but for the most part they're fairly interesting rants. Anywho, today's newsletter contained the following. In my opinion these kids are geniuses. Feel free to skip everything until the numbered items. He often rants about plagiarism, so I just thought I’d give credit were credit is due…..so feel free to skip all of that, and all of this stuff you just read.

Let's Look at Some Truly Terrible Prose

Ed Zuckerman, proprietor of Government Policy Newslinks—a fascinating press release triage service for news junkies—forwarded the following to me:

Jay Gosselin is an English teacher who is kind enough to send on the winners of the "Dark & Stormy Night" competition, which is a compilation of the most heinous felonies committed on the English language by high school students. There is a new batch every year, which speaks disastrously to the prospects for American education, but delightfully for those who enjoy dark humor. Like the annual Darwin Awards, these are the real deal originating from actual high school essays. The analogies and metaphors are wince inducing. Beware but enjoy.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of Ecoli and he was room-temperature Canadian Ham.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

This is what happens when you decide to become immigrants illegally.

2006-05-19T14:52:00.000-07:00

A truck carrying illegal immigrants from Afghanistan and Bangladesh crashed into a parked transport truck Friday, killing at least 40 people, an official in southern Turkey said.
The accident occurred near Osmaniye, Gov. Zubeyir Kemelek told private NTV television. At least seven people were injured.
Kemelek said the driver of the truck carrying the illegal immigrants was believed to be dead.
"The front of the truck is compressed. We have not been able to reach that part yet," Kemelek said.
TV footage showed dozens of bodies lying on the road just behind the trucks.
Turkey is a major transit point for thousands of Middle Eastern and African migrants attempting to reach Europe illegally each year.

Nick, this is for you.

2006-05-17T07:02:00.000-07:00

I know it’s been a few days since it happened, and I should have called or written sooner. But you have to understand that this is very difficult for me as well. Nothing like this has ever happened and, to be honest, for the last couple of days, I’ve been trying to figure out how to deal with this. But I’ve decided to deal with it directly.

I know that my apology isn’t enough to give you your sight back, and I know that the lids on your left eye still are sticking together a little every time you close them together. But this was not intentional by any stretch. I mean, I knew before that I could blow a pretty powerful load. But I didn’t realize that it could detach your retina! Seriously, if I had said to you while we were at Chili’s that night “I can cum so hard that it can blow your eye out”, would you have believed me? The odds against this had to have been a million to one. Maybe I should go play the lottery now.

I know, I know. I shouldn’t be joking about something like this. It’s obviously serious. And the worst part is that the night had been awesome until then. We’d had a good dinner, saw a good movie and had a nice walk. And the sex was spectacular. I never knew that you could hook your legs behind your head and still play “hide the banana”! Honestly, I thought that the perfect end to the night was to pull out and deliver a white shot right to those pouty lips of yours. Maybe I’m warped, but I don’t think there’s a better way to say “I love you, darling” than coating your face in man-juice.

That was when it all went horribly wrong. I really don’t know what happened. One minute, I’m whacking off to a pleasing, mouth-pasting orgasm, and the next, you’re on the floor writhing in pain, shouting “MY EYE! I CAN’T SEE!” To be honest, I thought you were kidding. You do have a pretty sick sense of humor sometimes, like when you were rubbing my balls a couple of weeks ago and told me you felt a lump, then let me worry for an hour before laughing hysterically. That’s why I slapped you on the ass and told you that you were faking the injury like you fake your orgasms. In retrospect, I probably deserved that twist of the nutsack you delivered.

Of course, the doctors at the emergency room didn’t help, especially that one that said he wanted to “reenact” what happened. He definitely was unprofessional, as was the nurse who kept calling you “Spunky Brewster”. Didn’t they realize that the pigtails were your expression of love for me, as well as part of the schoolgirl outfit you wore while I was tossing your salad? And like they’ve never had a young lady whose face was crusted in sperm in the ER. I swear I saw that on “House” last year!

Looking back though- and I’m not trying to absolve myself of responsibility- but you did move your head at the last second. I know I didn’t give proper warning, and I’m sure you were surprised when I pulled out, tore the saran wrap off, and fired. Still, we’ve watched “Cum Sucking Sluts of Dublin” before, and you knew I considered that scene with the leprechaun and the banshee as much of a cinematic masterpiece as The Godfather. I doubt you saw my cock inches from your face, ready to blow, and thought to yourself “I wonder what he has planned?”

I do kind of blame myself, though, for becoming the cum-blasting stallion that you know and blew. I guess it started when I was young, and watched a porno where the legendary Peter North was inseminating women from across the room. I knew right then that I wanted to be able to fire my seed farther than anyone else. Sure, it was tough but, thanks to years of exercise, as well as some pills I ordered off the Internet, I was able to achieve my goal. The first time that white shot fired from the end of my schlong and coated my window, I was so proud. Sure, cleanup was a bitch (Windex clearly wasn’t designed to remove semen film) and I didn’t have anyone to show my skills to, but it still was a watershed moment. I now realize that this was both a blessing and a curse.

Seriously, though, sweetie, I am sorry that this happened. You know I love you a lot and would never want anything bad to happen to you. Besides, in the future, we can both laugh at this as we get back to our daily lives.

Which will hopefully include many more facials.

Magnum 500...It shoots through schools.

2006-05-11T07:23:00.000-07:00

Smith and Wesson has taken dirty hairy to the next level. A .50 caliber hand gun. It weighs just over 5 pounds and has a 10.5 five inch barrel. It will go through the victim, the wall, the tree outside.

Unrelated: My birthday is less than two months away.

All about beards

2006-05-10T07:48:00.000-07:00

Why grow a beard?

There are many reasons for growing a beard. One way to find out why men grow beards is to ask them. Here I have summarized some of the main reasons for growing a beard submitted by participants in the beard survey. Following the summary are selections from survey responses.
What were your reasons for growing a beard?

The following list summarizes several of the most frequent responses to the question above. The list is not in any prioritized order.

I always wanted to grow a beard.
I wanted to see how I would look with a beard.
I like the way beards look.
I like the way beards look and feel.
I hate to shave.
I wanted to change my appearance.
I look better, more handsome, with a beard
It is the natural thing to do.
It is the manly thing to do.
It suits my personality.
I wanted to look older.
I wanted to look more distinguished.
Growing a beard is a family tradition.
It is something that women cannot do.
I wanted to express my freedom upon leaving military service.

2006-05-08T11:06:00.000-07:00

Also from College Humor:

2006-05-05T13:22:00.000-07:00

I read this yesterday and was reminded of Mike... not necesarrily because he's that guy at the gym, but because we've had conversations about that guy in the past.

I'll Be That Guy At The Gym

Well kids, Spring is here and we all know that the changing of the seasons can only mean one thing: I only have three months to get in shape for summer. That’s right, because if I want to be that guy at the summer barbecue who has his shirt off for no apparent reason, I’m going to have to drop a few pounds to get in peak physical condition. Yes, Spring Break was Spring Training for an entire Summer Season of inexplicable shirtlessness. So, I’m going to have to put in a few extra hours at the gym, here are some simple ways to find me. By the way, can I get a spot?

1) I always forget what I look like.

Yeah, that’s why I’m always looking in every single mirror, like eight fucking times in between each one of my eighteen sets of bicep curls. What did you think, that I was just some vain asshole who has a Narcissistic complex and simply cannot get enough of looking at myself? Wow, you were way off, I have Self-Image Amnesia, it is a mental condition that inhibits my ability to remember what I look like, it’s even harder to remember what I look like when I flex. Ask your doctor, I swear it’s real.

2) I do abs for, like, an entire fucking hour.

Yeah, well no shit, abs are the cornerstone to any perfect body, and if there is one thing that I have learned it is that rock-hard abs are rock-hard to obtain. And besides, if I think that I am ever going to get that girl in the green pants that for some reason have “PINK” written in blue letters across her ass to want me, I am going to need my secret weapon: Abdominal Definition. No girl can resist it, even if she likes other girls. If I am not doing abs, you might be able to find me in front of a mirror wiping my face with my shirt, actually just checking out my own abs. Damn you, Self-Image Amnesia!!!

3) I wear nice clothes to the gym.

Hey, just because I am at the gym doesn’t mean that I have to wear old clothes. Sure, this “work-outfit” cost me nearly $100 total, but what do you expect? I got it from Abercrombie and it totally sets me apart from all the slobs wearing their high school basketball shorts and sweatshirts. I mean don’t they know how stupid they look, their shirts aren’t even tucked in. And yes, I am wearing hair gel. Why are you laughing?

4) I make unnecessarily loud grunts whenever I do anything.

Well, it’s not just me who should see how much weight I’m lifting, everyone should be forced to turn and investigate whether an anal rape is taking place or I just beat my own personal bench record when they hear the guttural sounds that come from my mouth. Sure, I act like I’m doing it for myself, and I don’t even realize that anyone else is there…but who am I kidding? I wasn’t hugged enough as a child and now I need attention, watch me!

5) I spend half my time in the gym fucking with my iPod.

Hey, it’s hard to have that perfect lift if you don’t have the right music. And I have so many badass songs on my iPod to choose from, I mean sometimes I can just put on some Limp Bizkit and listen to it the whole time. But most of the time it’s hard for me to decide whether or not I am in a Godsmack mood or more of a Puddle of Mudd mood. And when all else fails, you can’t go wrong with a little Nickelback, I just wish they got more airplay on the radio.

6) I let everyone else know how I do things.

Hey, I’m not trying to hide the secret to the perfect body all to myself, so I am not too good to give tips to people who aren’t working out the same way that I do, or as I call it: the wrong way. Hey, doing sit-ups in the corner of the REC by yourself? I bet you do want to hear my ab routine! Are you on the bench press? Well then, let me let you in on the secret that gave me the perfect chest. Oh, you don’t want a huge chest because it is pointless in today’s society to be ridiculously strong? Well, uh, fuck you, I’m huge! You don’t deserve a body like mine! Are you even listening?!? No, YOU go away. Fuck it, where’s a mirror?

So there you have it kids, the summer will be coming up before you know it and if you want to be ripped and shirtless this summer you better hit the gym. Now, how about that spot?

From College Humor, but needs to be told

2006-05-05T12:26:00.000-07:00

It doesn’t matter where you go on your campus, or “neighborhoods” for you community college students (just kidding, shitty teachers & living at home rule!), they are out there. I am of course talking about the shirtless male or as he is known in the wild: dipshitus majorous. As we move further past our uneventful spring breaks, where we pretended we had Irish heritage so we could black out while wearing green, sightings of the shirtless male greatly bypass the number of ways you can benefit by telling a girl you love her. (Hint: it’s a lot.) It’s around this time each year that the main species from the Douchebagata phylum comes out of hiding and starts frolicking around quicker than a gay teenager living with a tolerant family.IdentificationThe species is fairly easy to identify in that they are simply nude from the waist up. It doesn’t matter if they’re playing a pickup game of basketball or trying to woo the opposite sex with an acoustic guitar, they will be sans t-shirt.
Other characteristics that help distinguish this species: arm bands, a backwards Red Sox hat, a barbed wire tattoo wrapped around their sweet guns, saying the word “dank,” or lighting themselves on fire to get on CollegeHumor. This species often reside in a fraternity and will live alongside several other of its breed. Their favorite past times include arguing about who is “more queer” while lounging around in an all male residence virtually naked. This baffling species has the well-known pattern of going into hibernation during winter and once they catch a glimpse of the sun in April, there they are tossing a Frisbee around campus while you’re trying to go to class and refrain from being a dirty hippy.
In his natural habitatDietAlthough it enjoys consuming large amounts of Corona and trying to achieve superiority among the party by claiming to be able to “out drink all of ya’ll motherfuckers,” it also attempts to keep a somewhat healthy diet. The shirtless male knows that its popularity and amount of ass depend solely on its physical appearance and will thus pay very close attention to it. His eating habits are balanced right in-between the star athlete who keeps in great shape so he doesn’t lose his full scholarship, and the anorexic girl you call fat just to watch her burst into tears and run to purge herself at the nearest bathroom. The dipshitus majorous instinctively knows as soon as their tanned, glistening abs turn into a sagging beer gut, their days of nailing shallow, empty women are over with. You may be wondering why the shirtless male was created without any form of clothing covering their torso. Basically, this species understands that their exterior is their only quality feature and if they aren’t flexing their muscles in their Facebook picture, they are just a waste of space, which they are nonetheless. While the normal male population will rely on “personality” and “intelligence,” the shirtless male depends on his magnificent pecs and broad shoulders to seduce the ladies. Female species tend to be attracted to this display of apparent manhood but quickly lose interest once they discover that he is a complete jackass. Those females must then be careful as this extremely dominant and persistent species will do anything necessary to get their genitals touched. So watch your drink and don’t forget your rape whistle!HistoryThis species has been around for decades. Their interest in rap music and their ability to stay above a 2.0 GPA has left scientists bewildered for decades. Though this ridiculous species has been around for years, they are just starting to become more noticeable as they evolve into poor excuses for adults. The same male who you remember posing topless in his high school senior picture is now probably the captain of the intramural polo team and enjoys rollerblading around campus with his t-shirt tied around his waist. Although they appear to be sensitive and friendly, it is not recommended that these types of males be kept as pets or boyfriends. Unfortunately the general public has a difficult time looking past their external attractiveness and willingness to chase psychologically damaged ho bags.

That's the beauty of college these days. You can major in GameBoy if you know how to bullshit.

2006-05-04T11:15:00.000-07:00

As seen on Break.com

Here is a stupid and brilliant, but mostly stupid, live action reenactment of the first level of Super Mario Bros.

So much Soda

2006-05-03T13:37:00.000-07:00

Kudos for running, but for god's sake put on a shirt.

I with you on that being stupid Blaine, but do we really want kids like this sack of lard running around.

Everything's coming up Diet Coke...

2006-05-03T10:27:00.000-07:00

I know nobody reads this site anymore, but this story is so stupid that I had to link to it. Public school students will no longer be able to buy non-diet sodas in the nation's public schools under an agreement announced Wednesday between major beverage distributors and anti-obesity advocates. Welcome to your police-state funded school system, fatty. Enjoy your Diet Sunkist.

A real life Van Wilder... only without the popularity, adulation, and sexual proclivity

2006-04-25T08:45:00.000-07:00

First, some excerpts from the article:

After 12 years of college, 29-year-old Johnny Lechner is primed to graduate from the University of Wisconsin-Whitewater this semester —with three majors and three minors under his belt. Lechner's studies include theater, communication, liberal studies, health, women’s studies and education.

The UW-Whitewater campus is the perfect size, Lechner said, and its underlying party atmosphere allows him to do some of his favorite things, which include “going out, cooking out and rocking out.”

His proud accomplishments include a string of about seven years without a grade lower than a B, writing a play that was performed at the university, working as a university special-events coordinator, serving as the program coordinator for the Women’s Center and founding the organization Men Against Sexual Assault and Violence.

Lechner has already been offered a job by National Lampoon, but he is also considering other post-graduation plans like pursuing his music career, writing a book about his experiences and finishing a screenplay project.

Now if I may editorialize for a moment: LOSER!!!! What a fucking tool. If this guy was 22 years old I still wouldn't like him. His majors are theater, communications, liberal studies, health, women's studies, and education. You would think that between 3 majors and 3 minors he would be able to find one that might translate into a job after graduation. Also, he's involved in the University community. That's for losers. The fact that he's two years older than me and he's just now getting his Bachelor's is just the icing on the cake. I'd like to stab this guy in the face with a soldering iron. Best of luck on your music career, fuck nut.

That's it. I am becoming a cop.

2006-04-24T14:09:00.000-07:00

So three Illinois police officers were at a party with four 18 year-old girls. One of the officers was on duty...He was working. They then proceeded to take picture of themselves drinking with the girls and put them on the Internet. And what do they get for this gross violation of the law, one while he was supposed to be saving the good taxpayers of his city from criminals? Fines? Jail time? Perhaps fired? No. Try suspension with pay...With pay!

Fortunately some good citizens of the town (like this old bag here) are not going to take this lying down. I never thought I would see the day when I would side with some whining bored fat housewife, but here we are...Only in America.

Whole Thing Here

First They Came For The Smokers, And I Did Not Protest For I Was Not A Smoker

2006-04-21T12:10:00.000-07:00

Interesting article from the Mises Institute today.

This past January acting New Jersey Governor Richard J. Codey signed into law a statewide smoking ban in "public" places except for casinos. ABC News's Nightline recently aired a segment on this legislation which is set to go into effect on April 15.

Yet again, the anti-smoking activists want the government to intervene in the economy and the private property (or what should be considered truly private property) of entrepreneurs. One of the women interviewed, a casino supervisor at Trump Plaza, said that smoking caused her asthma and the illnesses of many of her co-workers.

whole thing here.

Now I like South Park...Maybe even better than Family Guy, but this is pretty good.

2006-04-20T08:01:00.000-07:00

That is Chevy Chase the city, not the washed up actor

2006-04-20T07:19:00.000-07:00

So this morning I get another parking ticket, I have about 15, at the meters in front of my apartment. It wasn't for parking at an unpaid meter this time though. No, I was out there before I would be required to pay. However, I was apparently facing the wrong way. I was not aware there was a "way" to face down there, but doing it wrong carries a hefty fine.

Ironically I find this "asshole cop" story coming out of DC:

Chevy Chase residents say they are getting more than they bargained for now that the Metropolitan Police Department is providing steady, overnight patrols in their Northwest neighborhood. They say officers are ticketing their vehicles for everything from parking too close to a driveway to having improperly affixed stickers.
"The objection here is to action that is being taken in the middle of the night by a police department that appears to be focused on making a fast buck by skulking around while residents sleep," resident Simon Marks wrote on an online forum. "I have simply never heard of parking tickets being issued at 3 a.m. to residents who have parked their cars outside their own homes. It's senseless and not the kind of additional parking enforcement that will make any of us safer."
An official in the police department's 2nd District, which includes Chevy Chase, said officers walk the neighborhood for several hours overnight and must have something to show for their work. When no crimes are being committed and there are no criminals to arrest, he said, ticketing illegally parked cars is productive work.

The their superior defend these actions:

"They have to show some type of productivity during the night," Capt. Willie Smith said. "We have anywhere from 30 to 40 officers working all night in the Second District, and there's two to four in that [area]. If they come in without any tickets, no arrests, no truck stops ... they could be challenged by their superiors."
The majority of tickets issued in Chevy Chase throughout the early-morning hours last week were for minor infractions and included ones for expired registrations, blocking a driveway and parking too close to an intersection.

Eric Crouch's Online Tombstone

2006-04-19T10:09:00.000-07:00

This site links to Eric Crouch's old website. They discovered that after his catastrophic failure as an NFL player, some stuff on his old site (Destined for Greatness!... Speed! Strength! Agility!) is really funny. There's also a link to the Ryan Leaf for Heisman website.

Tom? What happened?

2006-04-18T08:43:00.000-07:00

TOM Cruise has claimed he will eat the PLACENTA after fiancée Katie Holmes has their baby.

The actor, 43 — who wants her to give birth in silence according to his Scientology cult rules — said: “I’m gonna eat the placenta, too.

“I thought that would be good. Very nutritious. I’m going to eat the cord and the placenta right there.”

But when a GQ magazine interviewer said it would be a big meal, Cruise replied: “OK, maybe I won’t.”

I saw our cat do this when I was like 10, it did not look appetizing. Besides if anyone should get to eat it it should be Katie, she is doing all the work.

Random quotes from the Bible

2006-04-17T12:25:00.000-07:00

2 Kings 2:23-24

23 Another time, Elisha was on his way to Bethel and some little kids came out from the town and taunted him, "What's up, old baldhead! Out of our way, skinhead!"

24 Elisha turned, took one look at them, and cursed them in the name of GOD. Two bears charged out of the underbrush and knocked them about, ripping them limb from limb--forty-two children in all!

Let's settle this once and for all...

2006-04-14T14:27:00.000-07:00

Go here to take the test which will determine if you are a pirate or a ninja. Me, I was a ninja (63% Pure Ninja, 18% Pure Pirate, and 48% Hybrid)

Heroic cat rescue enters twelfth day...

2006-04-14T09:42:00.000-07:00

Nearly two weeks ago, a cat named Molly wandered into a narrow space between walls and became lost in what rescue supervisor Mike Pastore described as "a maze of beams and pipes, going every which way.'' Since then, there has been a massive city-wide effort to rescue this brave cat from her certain death in the wall of a 157-year-old building. The building is part of a landmarked historic district where alterations are prohibited without official permission. Nevertheless, city building officials were on hand to supervise as bricks were hammered out in the cellar.

Two kittens were brought to the scene in a carryon cage, in hopes that their mewing might trigger Molly's maternal instincts enough to draw her out. On Wednesday, bricks had been carefully removed at various spots to give Molly an escape route. Molly stayed put. The rescue team was able to get a fleeting look at Molly using a tiny video camera snaked into the crawl space, but could not reach her. A cage, baited with food, was left overnight. Molly didn't bite. Even catnip, the feline aphrodisiac, had no effect on the timorous tabby. On Thursday, Carole Wilbourne, a cat therapist, knelt on the sidewalk next to the building's outer wall and tried to coax Molly out with what she hoped were soothing words.

If you have a minute, read the full article. If nothing else it will give you a little insight into the thought process of the rescue workers who are perpetrating the WORST USE OF TAX MONEY IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND.

Perhaps I'm being too harsh. After all, this cat is a hero. It really embodies the resilient nature of America. Terrorist attacks, devistating hurricanes and tornados, a cat getting lost in a wall... nothing can get our spirits down. We will live on.

ATF - Making America safe from ninjas

2006-04-14T09:13:00.000-07:00

"Get that knee on his neck! This is a ninja for God's sake!"

Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearm agents, on the Georgia University campus for Project Safe Neighborhoods training apprehended a Ninja terrorist. This Enemy of the State claims he was on his way to a ninjas and pirates party, but in the post 9/11 America we can not take any chances.

“Agents noticed someone wearing a bandanna across the face and acting in a somewhat suspicious manner, peeping around the corner,” said ATF special agent in charge Vanessa McLemore.

“Seeing someone with something across the face, from a federal standpoint — that’s not right,” McLemore said, explaining why agents believed something to be amiss.

Whole Story Here.

The Frank Solich Conspiracy

2006-04-12T15:05:00.000-07:00

Remember when former Nebraska and current Ohio football coach Frank Solich was arrest for an apparent DUI back in November?

Well — and take this with healthy dollops of sodium — apparently an email is circulating, allegedly from Frank’s son-in-law Jon Dalton, that claims Solich was, in fact, drugged rather than drunk. Apparently, according to the email, Solich was slipped GHB at the bar where he was drinking.

Coach had a hair analysis test ran and it was confirmed that he was drugged, not intoxicated. The GHB levels in his system were extremely elevated, which caused him to “pass out” within 20 minutes of the drug entering his system. He has been working to have this information released to the public, but has not necessary gotten full support of the University President.
No reason is given as to why someone might dose Solich with the “date-rape drug,” but that should be self-evident. Who hasn’t wanted to drug a football coach right before he gets in a car? It’s fun!

Whole thing here.

Remember 'Star Wars Kid'? Well, he finally got a settlement from the kids who ruined his life.

2006-04-12T09:09:00.000-07:00

TROIS-RIVIÈRES, QUE. — As Ghyslain Raza recalled, whenever he walked by his high school's common areas, other students would jump on tables and chant, "Star Wars Kid! Star Wars Kid!"

There would be a commotion as they shouted and poked at him, trying to get a reaction. "It was simply unbearable," he said.

An otherwise ordinary teen in this Quebec small town, Mr. Raza had become a worldwide object of ridicule when schoolmates put on the Internet a video of him clumsily pretending to be a Star Wars character.

Three years later, Mr. Raza and his parents this week reached an out-of-court settlement with the families of three former schoolmates they had sued for $351,000 in damages.

The settlement annuls a civil trial set to begin on Monday that would have scrutinized one of the world's first and most-publicized cases of cyber-bullying.

However, documents filed in the case at the Trois-Rivières courthouse give new details about how a mean-spirited high-school prank turned into a global Internet cause célèbre.

Specifics of the settlement remain confidential.

Lawyers for the three schoolmates had suffered a setback after they were not allowed to introduce as evidence a transcript of a phone conversation Mr. Raza had with a blogger, Jishnu Mukerji.

The blogger had posted a transcript of the exchange on the Internet.

Conducted a month after the video and parodies of it began circulating, the conversation has Mr. Raza calling the spoofs "interesting" but not expressing much distress.

However, a judge rejected a bid to table a transcript of the chat and Mr. Mukerji was not available to testify.

The documents include transcripts of examinations under oath of Mr. Raza and of three students accused of circulating the video, Michaël Caron, Jérôme Laflamme and Jean-Michel Rheault.

(Proceedings against a fourth, François Labarre, were dropped after Mr. Raza acknowledged that the allegations against that student were based on hearsay.)

In the transcripts, Mr. Raza said the experience left him unable to attend school.

"It was simply unbearable, totally. It was impossible to attend class," Mr. Raza said.

He said the situation left him feeling drained of energy, and that he let himself go and no longer lifted weights to keep fit.

He said he was diagnosed with depression by a pedopsychiatrist at Montreal's Sainte-Justine Hospital and his lawyers, in their fillings, said they wanted to have a psychiatrist and a psychologist testify, along with producing his medical file.

Under questioning, Mr. Laflamme and Mr. Rheault conceded their role in spreading a video that Mr. Raza, then 15, had made of himself and left on a shelf in the school TV studio.

Mr. Laflamme said he discovered the tape in April of 2003, when he took school equipment to film a varsity football game.

He showed the tape to Mr. Rheault, who made a copy of it.

"I thought it'd be an interesting prank . . . I wanted Ghyslain to know what I knew of him, what I had seen," Mr. Laflamme said.

"All I did was take the cassette, digitize it on the studio computer to pull a joke on Ghyslain. After that, I had nothing to do with it," Mr. Rheault said he later told the school principal after the controversy erupted.

He said that when a school counsellor confronted him about Mr. Raza's misfortunes, he replied, "It's no fun what happened here, but that's the problem with the Internet. Things travel fast."

Mr. Caron, who says he didn't even know the two other pranksters, said in examination that as the tape was being e-mailed among students, he created a website and posted the video on it.

According to court filings, the video first appeared on the Internet on the evening of April 14, 2003.

About a month later, one U.S. Web blog that had posted the video said it had been downloaded 1.1 million times already.

Mr. Raza's lawyer said in a court filing that the video was so widely circulated that one Internet site solely dedicated to the two-minute clip recorded 76 million visits by October, 2004.

Mr. Raza conceded in his examination that he didn't express much anguish when he spoke to Mr. Mukerji in May of 2003 about his sudden fame.

He said he was cautious because "everything I said was textually reported on the Internet. I signalled in more or less subtle fashion my unhappiness."

Mr. Raza -- who appears on the video as a chubby, ungainly young man -- recalled how other students got on tables and chanted taunts at him. "There was about 100 people in those halls. It was total chaos . . . Any opportunity was good enough to shout 'Star Wars!' "

He said in one class, where a document was shown through a projector, other students scrolled the text, mimicking the opening of the movie, as they sang the Star Wars theme.

And whenever he was in a public place, he said, strangers would call to him.

"Hey! It's Ghyslain Raza! Star Wars Kid, hey!"

He left the school and eventually, got a private tutor.

No one would comment yesterday about the settlement, including whether it included monetary compensation.

However, previous proceedings in the case had included discussions about whether the families of the three defendants had liability insurance.

The families of the three defendants have varying financial situations, court documents suggest. Mr. Caron's court filings include a letter from an insurer refusing to provide liability insurance coverage, whereas Mr. Laflamme says in his examination that his father had savings of $500,000 from an inheritance.

Rival bands clash over little-person KISS tribute

2006-04-11T13:19:00.000-07:00

They might be pint-sized performers onstage, but offstage they're in a giant-sized dispute.Joey Fatale, the 4-foot, 4-inch New Yorker who heads the all-dwarf KISS tribute band MiniKiss, is denying published reports that he tried to sneak past security last month at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas to confront a rival band leader, 4-foot "Little" Tim Loomis of Tiny Kiss, for allegedly ripping off his idea for such a group.

Loomis, a former drummer for MiniKiss, was performing with Tiny Kiss, which includes three little people and a 350-pound woman, on St. Patrick's Day at Beacher's Madhouse, a Las Vegas variety show, when the incident occurred.

Show host Jeff Beacher told The Times on Monday that Fatale "tried to sneak in saying he was Tiny Kiss" and had to be escorted from the premises. According to the New York Post, Fatale's lawyers sent a legal cease-and-desist letter to the show trying to shut down the act.

Loomis told the Post: "[Fatale] came out here [to Las Vegas] and tried to cause trouble, so I had him 86'd from the Hard Rock. The impression I got was that he was looking for a fight. He'd been threatening me over the phone."

But Fatale disputed the accusation, telling The Times: "This whole thing about me going to the Hard Rock with my gang — that didn't happen. What happened was, I went there because somebody told me [Tiny Kiss was] doing the show that night…. Nobody escorted me out of there. I went there by myself to approach them as a gentleman."

Fatale says he has "nothing to say" about Loomis, except, "He's a nice guy." And, he added, "This is all a big publicity act for the guy at Beacher's."

From http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/news/movies/la-et-minikiss11apr11,0,597094.story?coll=la-story-footer

Live long enough to write the great American novel...Maybe two of them.

2006-04-11T06:54:00.000-07:00

Anyone for tennis, at the age of 150?
Scientific progress promises us far longer, happier lives. Yet the 'bioconservatives' want to stop it
Ronald Bailey

By the end of this century, the typical European may attend a family reunion in which five generations are playing together. Great-great-great grandma, at 150 years old, will be as vital, with muscle tone as firm and supple, skin as elastic and glowing, as her 30-year-old great-great-granddaughter with whom she's playing tennis.

After the game, while enjoying a plate of vegetables filled with not only a solid day's worth of nutrients but medicines she needs to repair damage to her ageing cells, she'll be able to chat about some academic discipline she studied in the 1980s with as much acuity and memory as her 50-year-old great-grandson, who is studying it now.

The younger members of her extended family will have never caught a cold. From birth they will have been immune to most of the shocks to which human flesh has long been heir, such as diabetes and Parkinson's disease. Her grandson, who recently suffered a car accident, will be sporting new versions of the arm and lung that got damaged in the wreck. He'll be playing a game of football as skilled and energetic as anyone else there.

Aids and Sars will be horrific historical curiosities for the family to chat about over their plates of superfat farm-raised salmon. Surrounding them will be a world that's greener and cleaner, more abundant in natural vegetation, with less of an obvious human footprint, than the one we live in today. It will be a remarkably peaceful and pleasant world even beyond their health and wealth - antisocial tendencies and crippling depression will all be managed by individual choice through biotech pharmaceuticals and even genetic treatments.

This idyll is more than realistic, given reasonably expected breakthroughs and extensions of our knowledge of human, plant and animal biology, as well as mastery of the manipulation of these biologies to meet our needs and desires.

Although you would think most people would devoutly wish for this vision, an extraordinary coalition of left-wing and right-wing bioconservatives is resisting the biotechnological progress that could make it real. Forget Osama bin Laden and the so-called clash of civilizations. The defining political conflict of the 21st century will literally be the battle over life and death.

On one side stand the partisans of mortality. From the Left, the bioethicist Daniel Callahan declares: "There is no known social good coming from the conquest of death." On the Right, stands Leon Kass, former head of George Bush's Council on Bioethics, who insists: "The finitude of human life is a blessing for every human individual, whether he knows it or not."

Such people counsel humanity quietly to accept our morbid fate and go gently into that good night, as we and our ancestors always have. For example, both Kass and Callahan persuaded President Bush to impose strict limits on human embryonic stem-cell research. Kass strongly favoured the proposed UN treaty that would have imposed a global ban on therapeutic cloning to produce stem cells. The treaty, which was almost approved by the General Assembly in 2004, would have outlawed therapeutic cloning research being done in the UK, which Kass denounced as having transgressed a "moral boundary".

Opposing this influential alliance of bioconservatives stands the party of life, whose champions include Aubrey de Grey, a theoretical biogerontologist at Cambridge University, who rage against the dying of the light and yearn to extend the enjoyment of healthy life to as many people as possible for as long as possible.

This conflict is brewing because the rapid progress in biotechnology will utterly transform human life by the end of this century. By the middle of this century humanity may see 20 to 40-year leaps in average life spans; human bodies and minds enhanced by advanced drugs and other biotherapies; the conquest of most infectious and degenerative diseases; and genetic science that allows parent to ensure that their children will have stronger immune systems, more athletic bodies and cleverer brains. Even the possibility of human immortality beckons.

Researchers are making progress on figuring out why our bodies age and are discovering pathways to prevent it. Companies such as Elixir, based in Boston, are hot on the trail of compounds called sirtuins that retard ageing in simple organisms and which they believe will work for people, too. Other researchers are pursuing techniques to renew and replace the tiny cellular powerplants called mitochondria that most gerontologists think are the cause of the damage that leads to ageing.

Stem-cell researchers are getting ever closer to working out how to create perfect transplants to replace and restore damaged tissues and organs. The Geron Corporation, for example, plans later this year to begin experiments using human embryonic stem cells to repair broken spinal cords. Amazingly fast progress is being made using RNA interference, which is a technology that can selectively turn genes on and off in our bodies.

Researchers recently reported that they can turn off the genes for producing "bad" cholesterol in monkeys. If this works for humans, and there seem to be plenty of reasons to believe it will, it could slash heart disease rates.

Since 1978, more than one million babies have been born using assisted reproduction techniques. More than 5,000 healthy children have been born using pre-implantation genetic diagnosis in which embryos were tested for specific disease genes before they were implanted in their mother's wombs. By the middle of this century, technologies such as artificial human chromosomes will enable parents to endow their children with genes for good health, strong bodies and sharp minds. Instead of submitting to the tyranny of nature's lottery, which cruelly blights futures with sickness, stunted mental abilities and early death, parents will be able to open more possibilities for their children to lead flourishing lives.

Beyond human biology the possibilities are immense too. Plants and animals genetically enhanced to resist drought, insects and disease and to provide higher yields and improved nutrition will enable humanity to produce more food, fibre and fuel on less than half the land currently used for agriculture, allowing huge swaths of Earth to revert to nature.

The highest expression of human nature and dignity is to strive to overcome the limitations imposed on us by our genes, our evolution and our environment. Future generations will look back at the beginning of the 21st century with astonishment that some well-meaning and intelligent people actually wanted to stop biomedical research just to protect their cramped and limited vision of human nature. Our descendants will look back, I predict, and thank us for making their world of longer, healthier lives possible.

This story originally appeared in the Times of London.

That's great. We are going to live long enough to see these advances starting to take place, but not long enough to take advantage of them.

Finally, An Athlete The Kids Can Look Up To.

2006-04-10T13:21:00.000-07:00

It's hard out there for a rock-paper-scissors champion.

Dave McGill

Attends the University of Nebraska at Omaha, where he is a sophomore Spanish major.

Works as a bartender and cook at Barrett's, 4322 Leavenworth St.

Enjoys playing pool, foosball and quarters.

A phone call awoke Omahan Dave McGill from a post-celebration slumber this morning in his Las Vegas hotel room - one of many interview requests since he won the national title and $50,000 Sunday.

"In the life of a megastar, you're constantly being approached by people, there's light bulbs flashing everywhere, there's Bud Light girls attacking you," he said. "I don't think I like being famous. It's a curse."

Last month, McGill, 30, became Omaha's rock-paper-scissors champ after competing in tournaments sanctioned by the USA Rock Paper Scissors League.

In the classic grade-school game, players count to three and then use a hand sign for rock, paper or scissors. Rock beats scissors. Scissors beats paper. Paper beats rock.

In a ring with a professional boxing referee Sunday, McGill threw down his hand signals through several rounds of competition. It was skill, he said, that made him stand out from his 300 competitors.

"Some people would say it's luck. I disagree," McGill said. "I think I'm just that good at rock paper scissors."

After he won, a swarm of reporters and camera crews surrounded him - from ESPN, A&E, the "Today" show and maybe GQ. (Someone told him that, anyway.)

"I'd been crushing Bud Lights all day long, so I probably didn't look too good in those interviews," he said.

A friend also told him that several of the TV interviews had to start over because McGill was using curse words. McGill and the friend later celebrated with a nice Italian dinner and night on the town, calling it quits about 1 a.m.

Besides paying off his $40 loss in gambling, McGill said he planned to use the $50,000 prize money to help him study overseas. The sophomore Spanish and international studies major at the University of Nebraska at Omaha said the prize money will help with that expense.

"I'm probably going to be pretty stupid with some of it, too - do fun things," he said.

He plans to continue working as a bartender and cook at Barrett's Barley Corn, 4322 Leavenworth St.

As for the competition, he'll be back.

"I'm going to go back home and try to refine my craft," he said. "Probably next year, I'll be back here to fight for my title.

"God gave me a gift. It'd be a shame to not pursue it. Everybody has a gift, and mine is rock paper scissors."

How to raise a manly son.

2006-04-10T09:10:00.000-07:00

There have been a lot of shows coming out recently that highlight nannies who come in and straighten out a bunch of crazy, disrespectful, stupid-as-shit, children. It’s super fucking stupid. All the nannies are British and they act like know-it-alls. I would never hire one of those idiots as a nanny. If someone pays a nanny to raise their kids for them, their genitals should be ripped from their body and a knife should be stuck in their thigh. The genital rip-off, of course, symbolizes the curbing of their reproductive ability. The knife in the thigh, well, the knife in the thigh is an awesome move and it should be done to somebody. Why not a fucking moron?

The thought may have crossed your mind, “Well, raising a child is difficult- it’s not as easy as you think!” Then you probably started crying and drove your kid to soccer practice. My reply is simple. I believe raising a child is easy. I won’t stop there. Not only is it easy, but I will tell you the secret to success. Unconventional measures may occur, but optimum behavior will be achieved.

The day after my son’s birth, construction will begin in my backyard. Experts with tape measures will check every angle. In a cloud of sawdust, my behavior modification system will be complete. I’m sure I will be the only house on the block with an Ultimate Fighting Championship octagon ring in my backyard. I know what you are thinking: “Beating your kids is not cool!!” I agree, beating your kids is not cool, but training your kid in the martial art of death fighting is way cool. They will be the toughest kids in school. The program I have planned goes something like this.

I’ll let him skate by until the ideas of right and wrong are formed, and he has a decent understanding of the English language. I will take him to the basement one day and unveil my Household Ultimate Fighting Championship trophy to him. I’ll explain that we’ll have two leagues that compete for the championship. One league will be called the “Dads”; the other team will be called the “Sons.” I’ll go on to explain that I’m the sole member of the “Dads,” and he is the only member of the “Sons.” He’ll think his old man is kinda crazy, until he comes upstairs and sees the fight promotion posters I stayed up all night making spread across the walls like paint. Then he’ll think that I’m legitimately crazy.

I’ll order him to his room to get ready for the match. Then I’ll stretch out and do some calisthenics. It takes him a little over ten minutes to come out to the octagon. I have my wife ring the bell, and wait to see his first move. He creeps toward me, one step at a time, with a nervous shuffle. This would be my first and only opening. I leap across the octagon, punch him in the throat, and sweep his legs from underneath him. Before I raise my hand in victory, I’ll lean over with some advice like “Eat your vegetables.” I’ll promise that to myself and the boy. Each beating, I mean match, will have a lesson. I’ll compose a giant list of them. “Keep your eye on the ball.” “Give your best effort.” “Believe in yourself.” “Stay the fuck away from your sister’s dolls.” The helpful words of fatherly advice will be preceded with arm bars and uppercuts that really drive a point home. After the match, I will inform him that we will re-match every time he pisses me off. I’m sure he will probably challenge this threat at some point and force my hand. Maybe he’ll goof of at school or not clean his room. It is then that he will get off the bus one day and see a new fight promotion poster on the front door. I will think of awesome slogans like “Father Versus Son 2: Mom, Hide Your Eyes!” These will be big time events, occurring each and every time he pisses me off.

This plan would remain static for the first 11 or so years. I’ll cut back my time at work to start karate lessons at the YMCA. I might even get some of those Chinese-symbol tattoos that mean shit like “inner-strength” and “vitality.” A mohawk and beard are not out of the question either. I figure by the time the boy is 17 or so, my declining age and his ascending height and weight will tip the scale of advantage to his side. This is when I will retire, and hire a real Ultimate Fighter to join the “Dads.” He will have to fend the boy off for a year or two before I send him off to college. I would much rather hire an Ultimate Fighter than a stupid nanny. The Muppet Babies had a nanny, and they were all pussies.

That’s the plan. It's greatness probably has you fooled into thinking it’s abusive or some shit like that. I say it’s a healthy alternative to hiring a nanny. It’s also easy. The way I see it, it’s the only way.

South Park Scientology Episode

2006-04-07T07:28:00.000-07:00

Here is the complete episode of South Park's Trapped in the Closet episode. Joe I think you said you wanted to see this, and since I know you are not doing shit at work why don't you take a 22 minute break.

Killing puppies for a drug free society

2006-04-05T12:11:00.000-07:00

In the course of researching paramilitary drug raids, I’ve found some pretty disturbing stuff. There was a case where a SWAT officer stepped on a baby’s head while looking for drugs in a drop ceiling. There was one where an 11-year-old boy was shot at point-blank range. Police have broken down doors, screamed obscenities, and held innocent people at gunpoint only to discover that what they thought were marijuana plants were really sunflowers, hibiscus, ragweed, tomatoes, or elderberry bushes. (It’s happened with all five.)

Yet among hundreds of botched raids, the ones that get me most worked up are the ones where the SWAT officers shoot and kill the family dog.

I have two dogs, which may have something to do with it. But I’m not alone. A colleague tells me that when he and other libertarian commentators speak about the 1993 raid on the Branch Davidian compound in Waco many people tend to doubt the idea that the government was out of line when it invaded, demolished, and set fire to a home of peaceful and mostly innocent people. But when the speaker mentions that the government also slaughtered two dogs during the siege, eyes light up, the indifferent get angry, and skeptics come around. Puppycide, apparently, goes too far.

One of the most appalling cases occurred in Maricopa County, Arizona, the home of Joe Arpaio, self-proclaimed “toughest sheriff in America.” In 2004 one of Arpaio’s SWAT teams conducted a bumbling raid in a Phoenix suburb. Among other weapons, it used tear gas and an armored personnel carrier that later rolled down the street and smashed into a car. The operation ended with the targeted home in flames and exactly one suspect in custody—for outstanding traffic violations.

But for all that, the image that sticks in your head, as described by John Dougherty in the alternative weekly Phoenix New Times, is that of a puppy trying to escape the fire and a SWAT officer chasing him back into the burning building with puffs from a fire extinguisher. The dog burned to death.

In a massive 1998 raid at a San Francisco housing co-op, cops shot a family dog in front of its family, then dragged it outside and shot it again.

When police in Fremont, California, raided the home of medical marijuana patient Robert Filgo, they shot his pet Akita nine times. Filgo himself was never charged.

Last October police in Alabama raided a home on suspicion of marijuana possession, shot and killed both family dogs, then joked about the kill in front of the family. They seized eight grams of marijuana, equal in weight to a ketchup packet.

In January a cop en route to a drug raid in Tampa, Florida, took a short cut across a neighboring lawn and shot the neighbor’s two pooches on his way. And last May, an officer in Syracuse, New York, squeezed off several shots at a family dog during a drug raid, one of which ricocheted and struck a 13-year-old boy in the leg. The boy was handcuffed at gunpoint at the time.

There was a dog in the ragweed bust I mentioned, too. He got lucky: He was only kicked across the room.

I guess the P.R. lesson here for drug war opponents and civil libertarians is to emphasize the plight of the pooch. America’s law-and-order populace may not be ready to condemn the practice of busting up recreational pot smokers with ostentatiously armed paramilitary police squads, even when the SWAT team periodically breaks into the wrong house or accidentally shoots a kid. I mean, somebody was probably breaking the law, right?

But the dog? That loyal, slobbery, lovable, wide-eyed, fur-lined bag of unconditional love?

Dammit, he deserves better.

Radley Balko is a policy analyst with the Cato Institute.

Speaking of politicians doing stupid things for sex...

2006-04-05T11:18:00.000-07:00

...A South African Ex-Deputy President, and one who many see as the next president, while being questioned on rape charges in court said that yes he did in fact have sex with a HIV infected woman. But he showered immediately afterwards to "...minimise the risk of contracting the disease". Mr Zuma said he normally uses condoms, but did not have one available on the night of the alleged rape.

This story is made even more hilarious by the fact that while he was the Deputy President he headed the government's National AIDS Council and the Moral Regeneration Campaign.

It is feared the recent rape charges, along with charges of corruption, may hurt his chances of becoming president.

Lesson of the day:

2006-04-05T08:31:00.000-07:00

If you are a spokesman for the U.S. Department of Homeland Security, don't brag about your job title while you're sending pornographic movies to and asking for explicit photos from a 14-year old girl online. Chances are it's just a detective posing as a 14-year old girl. Fucking pervert.

Britney Spears.....still really attractive

2006-04-05T06:09:00.000-07:00

I had to stop myself from trying to make love to my monitor after seeing these pictures of Britney Spears getting her hair done. I'm only a man, damnit. You can't show me a picture of Britney Spears physically transforming into a pig and expect me not to have sex with my computer. It's madness!

2006-04-05T05:52:00.000-07:00

2006-04-04T10:43:00.000-07:00

This guy obviously did not ask himself 'What Would Jesus Do?'

2006-04-04T08:14:00.000-07:00

LIBERTY, Mo. -- A youth minister in Missouri has been charged with assault for allegedly knocking down a 16-year-old boy and kicking him in the groin during a dodgeball game.

Authorities said the teen had missed David M. Boudreaux, 27, with one throw, but then knocked his glasses off with another.

The boy apologized, but authorities said Boudreaux pushed him backwards and then kicked him in the groin when the teen got up again.

Court records said the boy suffered whiplash, post-concussion syndrome, had blood in his urine and other injuries.

Prosecutors said Boudreaux later apologized, but an administrator at Crescent Lake Christian Academy said he's been placed on administrative leave.

World's Best Masturbator

2006-04-04T07:58:00.000-07:00

It's official, Tudor Rosca is the new king of masturbation. In a stunning feat of endurance and determination, Tudor Rosca achieved 36 orgasms in a 24 hour period!

Sleeping intermittently during the 24 hour marathon, Tudor Rosca remained focused and aroused by his impressive library of pornographic films. With over 400 films in his library and 3 televisions playing movies at all times, he had a continuous stream of footage to aid him in his quest.

It is apparent by the massive development of the muscles in his forearm that Tudor Rosca is not your average masturbator. In an interview with UJ reporters after the record setting event, Tudor Rosca was quoted as saying, "masturbation for me is a way of life. I've been training for this day since I was 13 years old and I'm happy with my performance today".

This record was formerly held by German Student, Hans Blickstein who achieved 27 orgasms in a 24 hour period. Mr. Blickstein was not available for comment.

When asked what his next world record achievement would be, Tudor Rosca said "my immediate goal is to get a bag of ice and some lotion on my penis to soothe the burning".

Sharon Stone would be the coolest mom ever.

2006-03-30T13:24:00.000-08:00

It appears Sharon Stone is giving sex advice to other people's children. I think you find that her advice will do far more good for the world than a Basic Instinct sequel:

"I was in the store the other day and I watched a young girl trying on clothes, showing her abdomen. Her mother was trying to talk to her about not being inappropriately luring. I said, 'Gee that would look much nicer with a camisole under.' Her mother walked away, and I said to the girl, 'I'd like to give you a two-minute conversation about sex.' Young people talk to me about what to do if they're being pressed for sex? I tell them (what I believe): oral sex is a hundred times safer than vaginal or anal sex. If you're in a situation where you cannot get out of sex, offer a blow job. I'm not embarrassed to tell them."

Here that ladies? When a man wants sex don't say, "no". Just give him a blow job. We have needs and they must be quenched. Thank you Sharon.

The future is now!

2006-03-30T12:27:00.000-08:00

This is not funny, and considering we all live in the US probably not very useful to us, but I just read about this website that lets you place long distance calls for a penny a minute. jajah.com. All you have to do is go to the website. Enter your number and the number you are trying to call. They use the local provider in both areas so it is just like making a local call. Both phones ring. You pick up and wait for the other person to answer. If you just met a 15 year-old Chinese girl online and would like to talk to her with this it is only two cents a minute. If she is German it will be 1.9 cents a minute.

What an age we live in.

Now You Can Indulge Your Sweet Tooth Whilst Supporting The Troops! Fuck Yeah!

2006-03-29T11:48:00.000-08:00

Thanks to the good people at Star Spangled Ice Cream.
You can show those damn anti-Americans that you mean business by eating military themed ice cream! With names like "I hate the French Vanilla" and "Iraqi Road" you'll be the toast of your next Nascar party. 10% of the profits go to military charities! Also brave men like Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh give it a thumbs up. Next time some loony anti-war nut tells you that the best way to support the troops is to get them the fuck out of Iraq, you can proudly display your ice cream container and let him know that roughly 10 cents of that purchase went to a troop charity, and that besides, is bringing them home nearly as tasty?

A woman's advice on how to pick up chicks

2006-03-29T11:47:00.000-08:00

Nice guys approach me all the time. Nice, pleasant, dorky, it's all the same. It's like someone cloned George (the decidedly gay, kind of gumpy, pathetic intern) on "Grey's Anatomy", a.k.a.” a girl's cuddly little best sunday friend” and sent the hapless clones out in droves to try and date me, and like a sad game of Duck Hunt, it's my job to shoot them down.

It's not like I don't try to like them. I suffer through diatribes on their Mom's “Bomb-ass” Lasagna, I swill endless drinks listening to the hilarious anecdotes about fantasy football that they post on their embittered blog; I even call them back way more times that I feel fit (four days later, of course).

I mean, my Dad is a nice guy. I SHOULD like a nice guy. I should want a nice guy to take me to Olive Garden, and buy me a Tiffany's heart bracelet, and hold my hand at the movies, and tell me that I am a “super catch” (seriously, never ever say that).

Here's my conundrum. I don't like Olive Garden. I don't like any jewelry in the shape of a heart. I'm not a big hand holder, and to be honest, I just don't want your baby right now. Sorry. Nine Months without a crazy night at my dive bar doing shots and making out in corners with the waitstaff is something I still see in my future. I'm sure some mothers-to-be do both, but you gotta draw the line somewhere. Moral ground often comes in like the tide.

If you want this, ALL THIS, I'll tell you exactly what you need to do. Just tell me that I'm fat.

If a guy that reads this website actually KNOWS the definition of “subtle”, then hoo-rah; if not, get your Google ready! I'm not saying that you should go out and just say “Hey, hot girl, you're looking kind of fat tonight!” Subtleness in this situation is a fine art, and will definetly deliver the insecure-on-the-inside, faking-it-on-the-outside, POON.

Personally, I seem to react exceptionally well to being approached by a guy who draws in my drunken interest and then makes me feel like Delta Burke in a room of Angelina Jolie's.

Here's a few ways to score like the asshole you really are.

“Dude, (tall hot girl), it's so weird being with someone so tall. I mean, I always date girls not taller than 5 deuce. I mean, it's cool though, you know...”

If she starts slouching and all of a sudden forgets she ever had a high-heel, you are in, bro. Change it up for the short girl and make sure to talk about this chick from college that you banged/dated for a while who went on to be a runway model, and how it's so weird not to be at eye-level with a chick. Stripper heels, here you come, you asshole!

“Hey (chick you're trying to bang), I think my mom has those pants, how weird is that. I mean, they totally look good on you, but what a weird coincidence.”

Basically, you just told some chick that she shops at Dress Barn. She will make a concerted effort to open those Barn Doors, and show you what's going on under those pants. You'll be bringing the bacon home tonight, player.

“You know what (hot-girl on the outside/fat-girl on the inside), has anyone told ever told you that you look like Kate Winslet in Titantic?”

Leave it at that. She will have sex with you in the bathroom of the bar. The Men's bathroom.

I just want you to rip through my self-esteem like you are crushing some mad weight at the gym. It may drive me and my friends crazy, but it's the only thing that lights this little fire on the inside that I like to call my monkey. And then I go home and cry myself to sleep! Thanks for that.

Plan For a Better Future (A Modest Proposal)

2006-03-28T18:59:00.000-08:00

I propose that we deport all white trash from our state. I don't advocate the use of violence until absolutely necessary because I think we could do it through persuasion. If we all chipped in and bought a few hundred thousand acres of land in Wyoming or Montana or some place like that we could give it to them for free if they agree to go there and never come back. If we promise them a good supply of beans and American flags they will leave in a heartbeat. Hicks love beans because they lead to flatulence and there is nothing a neck likes more than indulging in breaking wind. Besides it's beautiful up there, and they will be free to run it as they see fit. Imagine how much better off we would be if the scuzzy underbelly of our society up and left. Now this is not without its dangers, our redneck brethren, for all of their faults, do serve some valuable purposes. They are a counterbalance to the self righteous pinko scum suckers who seem to think they have the right to order our comings and goings while they prattle on about social justice, wearing their Che Guevera t-shirts, blissfully ignorant of the millions who have been killed in the name of their fucking ideology. Now we normies will be left with the hippies and non-redneck proletariat who are menacing in their own right but not as embarassing. I am tired of the stereotypes of my beloved hometown and home state. The best way to deal with it is to remove the undesireable element. We should probably resettle all of the small town people who don't meet the qualifications for expulsion to a few cities in outstate Nebraska. Kearney, Grand Island, Norfolk, and North Platte will all grow significantly. The rest of the towns and hamlets will be razed, all farms liquidated and a massive forest will be planted. This way we can be spared the spectacle of farm images being shown going into and coming back from commercial breaks during football games. The mascot for the state university will be changed to something more bourgeois, like the Nebraska Insurance Salesmen. We can keep a couple of farms in the I-80 corridor as places for kids to go on field trips . Now how do we determine who is going to be expelled? We create a list of criteria, now if a person meets one or two of the standards we can live with that. Just because a person enjoys a couple of rustic amusements it does not mean he is any less intelligent than the rest of us. In fact some of you may meet one or two of these standards, which is fine there is only reason to be concerned if you like 3 of them. 3 strikes and you're on a train westward. If any of my friends happen to fall into this class, don't worry you will be granted exemptions. Here are the standards. If these look like something from Jeff Foxworthy I'm sorry, that is not my intent.

1. You went to see "Larry the Cable Guy Health Inspector"
2. You have a patriotic bumper sticker
3. You have a Calvin (from Calvin and Hobbes) pissing on something decal
4. You have a bumper sticker professing your belief in the rapture
5. You like country music
6. You like NASCAR
7. You have a mullett (yes I know this criticism is old, but it is, depressingly, still valid)
8. When speaking to a member of a minority group you use the phrase - "but you're one of the good ones"
9. You say- the liberal media never reports the good things that happen in Iraq. They are too busy covering the latest car bombing to notice that one of our soldiers gave some poor Iraqi kid a pair of shoes.
10. You wear hunting gear while not hunting, going hunting, or coming back from hunting

There are plenty of other undesireables to be sure, but white trash types are really embarrassing, the others are just stupid and dangerous, which I can deal with. So what do you say let's cleanse our state of its shame. How many will be removed? Well I estimate that in Omaha and Lincoln the percentage of white trash is something like 8 - 10% about comparable with any other metro area really. New York has its own uncultured louts (assorted guidos and tough guys), they are just as bad as ours but no one calls them on it so they don't need to liquidate those populations. In some parts of the state the numbers may run as high as 30 - 40%. This is sad but true, so I guess that that means about 240,000 persons need to be removed from our state give or take. Rednecks out! You are no longer welcome. Perhaps we could try other methods to solve this problem. We could try to bring civilization to the rednecks. We could try to shame them into converting to a proper cultural orientation by stigmatizing them and discriminating against them (for instance refusing to sell them food or provide them with medical care unless they convert). But expulsion just seems easier. We don't have to worry about the population loss, once people hear we are redneck free good people will flock here in droves. Then we just have to figure out what to do with the damn hippies.

My faith in humanity is restored.

2006-03-28T12:48:00.000-08:00

So, I went to court at 8:30 this morning...In Lincoln. Yes, if you didn't know I am evicting the welfare cases that live in my house. I was the third one to get to the court room. There is a white trash lady whining to her lawyer about how she has a 6 year-old kid and she wants to ask the judge for 30 days to find a new place. Her lawyer is telling her that unless she can come up with $2000 today she will have to be out by noon Monday.

Then the tenants show up. They actually showed up. I would have taken 10-1 odds of them not even getting out of bed for this. They were reasonably nice however. Said they would leave this weekend. My lawyer gets there and we go into the courtroom. The judge, after years of experience, must be able to sense stupid and told my lawyer to take them out in the hallway to explain the process to them (though I bet the have done this before). While they're out in the hallway the judge goes through about 20 eviction cases...In about 9 minutes. It restored my faith in the legal system. The clerk is calling out names of cases and the judge is writing notices of eviction without even looking up. It was awesome. Soon I am the only one left in the court. Then they come back in. Walk up to the judge and my lawyer says that they agree that they are late and agree to the amount they are late. The judge says they have until Monday at noon, then the sheriff will be there to put them out.

That is justice my friends. After Monday I have to submit a list of any damages, the cost of which will be added to the amount of rent they owe me and turned into a judgement lien. Unfortunately they have no wages to garnish and no personal property that can be taken and sold at auction, so it is unlikely that I will see any of that money, which I expected.

Heat Vision and Jack

2006-03-28T05:26:00.000-08:00

The 1999 pilot episode of a show starring Jack Black as Jack Austin. A former astronaut who during a space traveling accident got too close to the sun and strangely become the world's smartest man. However, he is only 3 times smarter then the smartest man on earth when the sun is up. Once the sun goes down, he loses his power. Joining him on his crusade is his talking motorcycle Heat Vision. Heat Vision happens to be his former roommate who was morphed with his motorcycle by an experimental laser beam. Heat Vision is voiced by Owen Wilson. You may watch the entire 30 minute pilot episode here.
I'm not entirely sure why this show wasn't picked up. The possibilities of it are endless. This is by far superior to Knight Rider. Minus the theme song of course.

Girly Phone Voice

2006-03-27T10:28:00.000-08:00

Imagine this scene: You and you’re friends are in your living room. Video games are being played, alcohol is being consumed, pizza is being smelled. Imagine this scene: You and three friends are in your car. Fast food is being played, jokes are being consumed, farts are being smelled.

But then, out of nowhere, a ringtone. Polyphonic, Monophonic, Megaphonic, it doesn’t matter. It’s all the same, really. Your friend picks up his phone (for some reason) and emits a girly greeting. The high pitch at which he speaks cuts through the usual low grunting your buddies emit. Yes, your friend is using what I refer to as a "Girly Phone Voice.” The rest of you now instantly deduce, that on the other end of that phone conversation, is none other, than a dirty, smelly, girl.

As a society of male college students we make fun of everything: poor performance in school, lack of drinking ability, exceptionally low snood scores; yet when it comes to this “Girly Phone Voice” nobody pokes fun. Nobody mentions it. Nobody does a thing. It has become accepted. Inevitable. Unavoidable. And there is no end in sight. But what exactly IS a "Girly Phone Voice?" and why do we use it?

What is it?
If you are a male aged 18 - 150, you are already familiar with “Girly Phone Voices.” Whether or not you are consciously aware of this phenomenon is an entirely different issue. Specifically, a “Girly Phone Voice” is the voice that a man uses on the phone when he’s speaking to a female that he deems attractive. It is a distinct affectation, cadence, pitch, and frequency that is more unique than many accents, according to scientists at a prestigious university. Basically, he speaks like a little girl four teas into a party with her favorite barbies.

Physical Signs
A “Girly Phone Voice” is more than just a high pitched “Hiiiiii…” it is a dead give-away. Often it is prefaced with the person running as far away as possible before picking up his phone. The point here is to be alone as possible when using your “Girly Phone Voice” so as to limit embarrassing eavesdropping as much as possible. Just close your eyes and imagine how many times you’ve seen a male buddy of yours, check out who’s calling him, speed walk out of earshot only to hear a faint, yet girly, “Hey! How ARE you!” in the distance? Now open your eyes, and continue reading. (But how did you read THAT sentence?)

Why Do We Do It?
By now it is understood that every male, regardless of size, stature, or status employs this “Girly Phone Voice” when speaking to female counterparts – But why? Why is it that we find the need to almost subconsciously raise our tone an octave and our vocabulary up a syllable or two? The reason is most simple: If we spoke on the phone to females, as we do to males, we would never have (any meaningful relationships with the opposite) sex.

Imagine a girl, who is beginning to grow a seedling of interest for you, and she works up the nerve to call you, and you flip open your cellular phone and give her a disinterested “Yeah.” When she asks you how you are you say “Fine. What’sup.” She tells you she’s doing all right. Then you give her a resounding, “Coo. Laters.”

To male friends, these cold, calculated, terse responses are completely normal. Business as usual. If you pull this with a potential lady, or even a girlfriend, forget about it. You might as well have picked up the phone, asked her for a pizza, then told her to fuck off when she asked you what size. (She knows you like medium! Jesus...)

In Conclusion
While “Girly Phone Voices” are completely understandable and accepted in today’s college society, I believe that the effeminate airs that these males put on, should be met with compromise. In order to even out the playing field and avoid double standards (See Also: Women Have the Right to Vote) I think it's only fair for women to begin speaking in "Manly Phone Voices."

This role reversal will ensure that both parties are equally embarassed by the way they sound. In an ideal world, most conversations will sound like this:

Guy: Heyyyyyy….
Girl: Yo.
Guy: How are youuuu? How was class!?
Girl: Ya.
Guy: Whadyou wanan do tonite? Do youuuu wanna hang out?
Girl: Dinner?
Guy: Yeah! Lets get something to eat!
Girl: Kbye!
[Hang up]
Girl: Oh my God he is so cute…
Guy: I love that slut.

It's back!

2006-03-24T12:52:00.000-08:00

Woohoo! This is the best thing since God invented blowjobs.

If I Ever Start A Band...

2006-03-19T18:28:00.000-08:00

...this guy is my guitar player. Check this out it's nuts.

He Wrote...

2006-03-18T00:53:00.001-08:00

... 156 episodes, Dude, the bulk of the series. Not exactly a lightweight.

2006-03-17T13:40:00.000-08:00

Don't let statutory rape get you down

2006-03-17T08:23:00.000-08:00

A guy I know in St. Louis is having an issue with his underage girlfriend's parents trying to get him arrested for statutory rape. I told him this would never have happened if he had just consulted the table of legal ages of consent. Then he would have noticed that in the state of Missouri it's legal for him to fuck a 17-year old, but not a 16-year old. If he were in Nebraska, though... have at it. And just a warning to everyone: watch out for Iowa. Those commie bastards say it's illegal to do the deed with anyone under 18.

I'm the Juggernaut bitch!!

2006-03-16T13:47:00.000-08:00

A nice little cartoon short. Props to randy for finding this gem. You need sound (haha mike sucks), and you're gonna want to make sure your mother's in the other room, as she might not "get it".

From Craig's list. I thought Alicia was soliciting mates online until I actually got to the picture.

2006-03-16T08:16:00.001-08:00

3 pack/ day SWS Seeks SMS - 27

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: pers-142018726@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-14, 11:13PM CST

Yup I'm a smoker and I'm not going to quit! I smoke 3 packs a day and love it. I don't want to be lectured on the health risks, advised how unattractive it is or warned that second hand smoke kills!

Smoking is my hobby so get over it. Are there any Single Male Smokers (SMS) out there? hey i know it's out of style but one never knows there might be some smoking fetishists out there or other smokers. If your a non smoker please go away and never turn back.

I'm looking for that guy that enjoys managing his Cigarettes.

You know who you are. You have to stop at the store for them to keep the inventory up, you keep them in the car, at the office, you trade at work, sometimes you supply the cigs to everyone at the office on break. You smoke before dinner and after dinner for desert. And then theres sex! Ooops did I say sex! You know who you are, you smoke before afetr and sometimes during!

Your car or truck smells like smoke, your house smells like smoke your clothes smell like smoke hell even your breath smells like smoke.

Your brother, sister, mother and father even smokes!

Smoking is your way of life, minimum 3 packs a day!

Extra points if you blow circles! Extra extra points for chain smokers!

Remember as a warning, if we go out on a date and your not smoking at a rate of 3 packs a day, I walk then instantly! No fake wana be's who get me out, start dating me then start trying to change me! Do you get the message? I don't want to be changed and I want a partner who does not want to change!

So come on bud let's go burn one!

I like this girl. Not because she is a chain smoker, but because she is so unabashed about it. Nothing is hotter than a confident smoker, and nothing is more unattractive than someone who says "I got quit this" before they light every cigarette.

Just like in Revenge of the Nerds

2006-03-16T08:16:00.000-08:00

Omahan accused of sexual trickery

A 21-year-old Omaha man was arrested Tuesday after being accused of tricking a woman into having sex with another man.

The investigation began after 1 a.m. at Bergan Mercy Medical Center, where the 31-year-old woman sought treatment.

She told officers that she was in the dark basement of a northwest Omaha home having sex with a man whom she knew, said Omaha Police Sgt. Teresa Negron.

The 21-year-old man left the room and told a different man to return to the woman and pretend to be him, Negron said.

The woman had sex with the second man, not knowing that he wasn't her original partner, Negron said.

The woman came to realize that she was having sex with a different man, said something to him about it, and he ran away, Negron said.

The first man was arrested on suspicion of being an accessory to a sexual assault. The other man fled before police arrived. - Lynn Safranek

A Deluge of Vomit

2006-03-15T21:42:00.000-08:00

My God, this guy's stomach holds a lot of fluid. Video here.

I'm probably the first person to ever think this thought: I think I could make up names for porn movies for a living

2006-03-15T14:28:00.000-08:00

Here is a list of popular Hollywood releases and the pornographic film that they inspired that is now out-grossing them at the rental store.

Celebrities giving back

2006-03-15T13:34:00.000-08:00

Nick Hexum has started a website to stop global warming. How original. What is with these people? Do they like the cold or something?

After you see that I suggest you check out MC Hammer's Blogspot. It is far more interesting and, in my opinion, is doing a lot more to help the planet. Also, note that he is still using the phrase "Hammertime" in almost all of his post.

Love and Marriage from an honest Woman.

2006-03-15T12:43:00.000-08:00

Hey, you, Some Guy. It’s me, Some Girl. I guess we might as well have a life together. We’re on a schedule here. I’m in my mid to late twenties; you’re two years older than me. We’re at about the same level of attractiveness. We have comparable educations. I need to mate, and you’ll probably do as well as anyone else. Let’s begin this typical courtship process, shall we?

You want sex? Fine. Roll around on me for a while. Whatever gets this moving. Are you done? Good. Now go tell your friends about it. And have a good time, you won’t be seeing much of them any more.

I guess we should go to some movies and maybe a concert or two. That was nice. Now let’s get in a fight and then make up. Good. Now let’s go camping. While camping, let’s take some pictures of us camping that we can hang up in our cubicles to remind us of the time we went camping. That will be a cherished memory.

Okay, I guess it’s time to move into an apartment together that’s about ten miles away from my parents’ house. Let’s live in this apartment for a year. Let’s go to a Memorial Day barbecue at my parents’ house. Good. Okay, time to get married.

When you propose, don’t try to do anything cute like putting the ring in my wine glass or having a sports mascot bring it to me at a ball game. It’s all been done before, and you are not a very creative person. It would probably just come off as cheesy and forced. Just get down on a knee and get it over with. New Year’s Eve works fine for me.

Our wedding will take place a year-and-a-half from your proposal. It doesn’t really take that long to set up a wedding; I just want to relish the fact that we are getting married for as long as I possibly can. During that time, I will be the center of attention. Sadly, this will be the highlight of my life. I have no aspirations to write a great book that will change the way people think, I don’t want to travel the world and witness the majesty and diversity of foreign lands, I don’t want to dedicate my life to intellectual or philosophical pursuits in an attempt to take my mind places that no one has ever gone- I just want to look skinnier in my dress than my bridesmaids. Okay, that’s done.

After the wedding, I will take a year to reflect upon the wedding. I will send thank-you notes, watch the wedding video countless times with whomever will sit through it with me, and show people pictures from the wedding that they have no interest in seeing.

Soon, everyone will tire of my wedding talk and I will no longer be the center of attention. It is time for us to buy a house, so that I have something else to talk about. It will be a three-bedroom ranch home with a semifinished basement.

You will turn the basement into a rec room with a bar. This will be pointless, as you will rarely see your friends any more, and when you do, they will have neither the desire nor the time to go down and drink in our basement because they’ll have mated too. Your masculine rec room will soon be cluttered with children's toys and my infrequently-used exercise equipment.

When people stop talking to me about our house, I will decide that we should have kids. I will take the fun out of sex by incorporating science and scheduling our intimacy around my ovulation cycle. We will conceive.

When I am pregnant, I will have something to talk to people about again, and everyone will pay attention to me. I will act as if I am the first pregnant person ever. Eventually, I will give birth, just as billions have done before me.

Our children will be adequate, but not spectacular. You will want them to be athletes, but they will lack the size and skill. I will want them to be creative but they will lack the talent and drive. Despite this, they will eventually mate, too.

We will move into a larger house to accommodate our growing family. You will build a deck off the back of the house that we will use twice a summer. We will briefly contemplate an above-ground pool but in the end will decide against it, citing cost and practicality.

There will be several dogs.

We will vacation. Myrtle Beach will be our destination of choice, though we will be no strangers to Orlando.

Our kids will leave and we will move into a condo, citing cost and practicality. We will retire. Now the waiting truly begins.

Our children will provide us with unremarkable grandchildren. We will photograph them and discuss them at length.

You will die of heart complications. Your funeral will be relatively well-attended and will last for just over an hour. Following it, some of us will go back to the condo where there will be a tray of cold cuts for sandwiches.

I will remain for eight more years, watching television and slipping away into dementia. I will die. Doctors will call it natural causes, but in reality, I will have semiconsciously willed myself to stop breathing out of boredom and defeat. It will be done.

You can pick me up at eight.

Back in 1982 you had to pay to get AIDS

2006-03-15T12:34:00.000-08:00

1982 commercial for a appetite suppressant. Sometimes having a quality product, slick marketing, and convincing customer testimonials is not enough to keep a company from going bankrupt.

V. I. Lenin, Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov!!

2006-03-15T11:26:00.000-08:00

St. Patrick's Day Weather

2006-03-15T06:50:00.000-08:00

Here is Friday's weather. 41 for a high 26 for a low, ten degrees below average. This is going to make standing outside very shitty.

Three Older Women I Would Like To "Take To Dinner"

2006-03-14T20:46:00.000-08:00

Sexy older women are great, I bet they know all sorts of stuff. These are the three women over thirty-five with whom I would most like to engage in the conjugal act. Liz Phair, Renee Russo, and Julianne Moore. I saw Liz Phair in concert in December and she looks even hotter in person, Julianne Moore is the hottest red headed celebrity ever, and most of her movies are really good too (though I would have rather watched "Sack Lunch" than "The English Patient". It was just too long and boring.

A girl once told me she couldn't be with someone who didn't like "The English Patient". I think Ralph Fiennes' head is in the picture here, which is a real bummer, but hey the tasteful nudity makes the photo worthwhile. As for Renee Russo, if you ever saw "The Thomas Crown Affair" you know what I'm talking about, also she was in "Major League" with the immortal Bob Euker (sp?).

Oklahoma City Police Are Getting Too Big For Their Britches

2006-03-14T17:43:00.000-08:00

It used to be the case that local police knew better than to enforce stupid laws against prominent people. This was a good thing because it established some socially enforced boundaries to the power vested in these "men" by the state. Cops used to look the other way when prominent college athletes committed innocent violations of stupid local statutes. Those days are gone. Oklahoma QB Rhett Bomar was arrested last week for MIP.
Now some might claim that this is a good thing because it shows that there is not preferential treatment. Bullshit. If it is a bad law, and I don't think any non-scumbag would claim that MIP isn't a bad law, we should be glad if anyone gets off scott free no matter what the reason. Think about it, if a maniac busts into the local gas station while you are in there buying beer and he cuts off your arm, is it some kind of travesty if he neglects to cut off the arms of the other people there. It sucks to be you but it would have been worse all around if the other people there suffered the same fate. The fact that this was his second citation only makes this worse, apparently these clowns are serious about enforcing this monstrous "law". This is an ill piece of news for residents of Oklahoma City, the local jackboot squad no longer feels constrained by the customs that prevailed in a slightly less barbaric age. These fuckers are probably portrayed as local heroes for cracking down on the "scourge" of underage drinking, they will never face punishment for their actions.

If only this were true

2006-03-14T17:27:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you wish the stories in the Onion were really true.

It's bad enough posting pictures of people who are innocent until proven guilty...

2006-03-14T15:25:00.000-08:00

But when they refuse to take your picture off the site even after you've been found not guilty, well then maybe they're crossing the line. Still, don't get caught soliciting a prostitute in Peoria, IL. Fucking commies.

2006-03-14T14:55:00.000-08:00

Don't pick fights with Scientologists. They don't take criticism well.

2006-03-14T14:10:00.000-08:00

Isaac Hayes has quit South Park after the controversial (and fucking hillarious) episode entitled "Trapped in the Closet" where they made fun of Scientology. Did anyone NOT see this coming? I mean, Isaac Hayes is a laid back dude, so I didn't expect a Tom Cruise-esque bitchfest. But he IS a Scientologist, so you had to expect a reaction.

Look at what this queer from Purdue wrote

2006-03-14T12:54:00.000-08:00

Alright, I suppose he is not technically a "queer", but he certainly isn't a man by any definition. Yet another "nice guy" (a.k.a. pussy) bitching it up about how he can't get a girl. Then he has the nerve to tell us it is because women are to stupid to appreciate nice guys (and yes that is what he is saying).

Women will eventually choose the nice guys

After reading "Columnist embodies snobbish �royal' attitude" (Feb. 24), I feel the need to defend real "nice guys." I consider myself a "nice guy" in every sense of the word. I've done just about everything Liz Alpiger said from her column ("Nice guys deserve more credit from girls," Feb. 16).

But I'm a little offended that nice guys could be considered boring. I suppose we are in the sense that we'll always come home to you every night, and not someone else. We'll respect you as a woman and treat you as such. That we'll do everything we can to make sure you're happy. Or even dare to be romantic. I should expand on that last one. Girls, when was the last time your guy got you flowers? Not for your birthday or Valentine's Day, but because it's Monday. When was the last time he spent all day making you a romantic dinner? Has he ever surprised you with tickets to go see that play you were talking about, or concert? You see, a nice guy can be exciting too. Not because he's making fun of you, or tricking you into running into a door. He'll be exciting because he cares for you. A relationship shouldn't be about sex. It's about people. If you're looking for the sex, don't use a "nice guy." He'll feel really bad in the morning. While Eric Ridenour may feel the need to put girls down because of how they treat nice guys right now, I continue to support them. Because one day those girls will open their eyes to what's been standing beside them the whole time. And we'll still be there, probably against our own better judgment. Girls, have your fun now. But when you are looking for change, look around. I guarantee there's a guy there waiting to sweep you off your feet.

Eric Sherred

Senior, School of Aeronautics and Astronautics

Read it here. You can also look for the article he is writing about...I was to manly to do so.

P.S. My world travelled cousin is taking a "Queer Studies" course at her liberal arts college so queer is now an acceptable term for homosexuals.

It's not ever going to stop, man.

2006-03-14T09:52:00.000-08:00

George Lucas has approved an Indiana Jones IV script and returned it to Spielberg for more polishing. "Star Wars" producer Rick McCallum also says that the Star Wars TV show is a go: "It's going to be much darker, much more character-based, and I think it's going to be everything the fans always wanted the prequels to be. They'll be one-hour episode. It takes place between Episodes III and IV. It's going to be all-new characters, maybe a few bounty hunters in there to start the series off".

Drink yourself healthy!

2006-03-14T09:37:00.000-08:00

Researchers in Austria and the Czech Republic have just released studies that suggest that beer is an anti-inflammatory and can slow the aging process. Doctors have found that moderate beer consumption slows aging and reduces the likelihood of heart attacks in men. Beer not only increased levels of HDL or so-called "good cholesterol," but also thwarted dangerous free radicals in the body that are believed to accelerate the progression of cardiovascular and age-related diseases.

I'm sure most of you are past the point of "moderate beer consumption", but rest assured that you will most likely die from liver failure, not a heart attack. Bottoms up.

Est.3003 Launches The Scoop

2006-03-14T06:24:00.000-08:00

Your back seat driver to everything action sports. From industry news and highlights, to interviews and featured product highlights.
Check It BLeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.....

X-Men 3 Trailer

2006-03-13T14:31:00.000-08:00

Here is the X-men 3 Clip if no one has seen it yet. I don't have sound on my computer, but it still looks cool.

It's Funny Because It's True

2006-03-13T13:17:00.000-08:00

Bumper stickers suck, but this is kind of funny. I just wonder if it is intended as a joke or not.

While We're Getting Advice From ATHF Characters...

2006-03-11T18:15:00.000-08:00

Remember What Ol' Drippy tells us, "Idle hands spend time at the genitals, and we know how much God hates that." It is funny that the lettering on the sign below is dripping. You'd think the owner of this fine establishment could get a better sign, the porn shops in Co. Bluffs have much better signage than this (or so I hear, I have no firsthand experience mind you). Does the place sell movies?, does it have one of those arcades?, could the interested pervert buy an inflatible sheep? We'll never know from his sign. I never did figure out what city this sign came from, but it looks like some place really depressing like Gary, Indiana, or Ithaca, New York. All I know is that if I were the type of person to frequent a porn shop, it wouldn't be this one.

So, Some of You LIKE "More Than a Feeling"

2006-03-11T17:56:00.000-08:00

Apparently my declaration that "More Than a Feeling" sucks, nay, make that REALLY sucks, prompted some grumbling. I guess in the future I will have to avoid ripping on Carl's (right) favorite bands. So I will not point out that Loverboy truly sucks. Or that Foreigner was merely OK. And God forbid I should disparage the work of the Motor City Madman, Ted Nugent. I'll be buying that Foghat t-shirt any day now, and I'll put my hairy chest to use testifying to the glory of these fantastic bands. I've learned my lesson.

As an added bonus I found a picture of Happy Time Harry (above), who reminds us that you have to be born a Highlander you can't just become one.

20,000 hits!

2006-03-10T14:37:00.000-08:00

Well I just looked at the counter and it is at 20,000. That's pretty good, now if Mike could just find a way to make money off of this.

For the Ladies

2006-03-09T23:30:00.000-08:00

Don't Do Acid!

2006-03-09T22:15:00.000-08:00

I'm sure you've all heard of Brian Wilson of the Beach boys and how he went all nuts after his latent mental illness and his drug use combined to turn him into a nut bar. Well, this here is Syd Barrett, founding member of Pink Floyd, he was also a brilliant rock musician, and he went even crazier! He went on to turn into a fat bald dude who really liked pork chops. I don't know if he's dead or not, my brother probably knows. Anyhoo, the point here is that if you're going to take up a drug habit choose heroin, look at Iggy Pop, that dude is cut-- all thanks to heroin. And heroin never leads to any negative consequences, I defy you to name me one rock musician who suffered any ill effects from heroin, see, you can't. So let's all ride the horse.

These Are the Men Responsible For "More Than a Feeling"

2006-03-09T13:51:00.000-08:00

I know the song actually sucks, I mean REALLY SUCKS, but if Carl Bretananadalewski can declare it the "ultimate song" that's good enough for me. I think that today's bands could learn a lot from the meticulous grooming and concern for appearance that we see here.