I changed my mind. This is no longer my slice of the American Dream pie. It is now just a place for me to bitch.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Young teen. Welcome to the world of alcohol.

Last week Bryan was telling me that as a teenager he was caught drinking by an uncle or something. At that time said uncle warned our young Bryan that one day every social activity he did would have to involve alcohol...How right he was.

Now here is an article for the two or three teenagers (mostly my brothers) that read this site.


So you’re a teenager, and you’ve decided to start slowly killing yourself with alcohol. Congratulations! And welcome to the next exciting step towards your miserable adulthood. Those carefree days of having fun without the benefit of drinking will soon be long behind you, as you come to rely on booze in every conceivable activity in order to enjoy yourself. Eventually, everything from fishing trips to church services to your eight-year old daughter’s dance recital will be virtually unattendable without a little “pregame help”. Alcohol will be a social lubricant, a relationship crutch, a blessing and a curse. In fact, it will generally be the focal point of your life from here on out. Huzzah! We at The Phat Phree want to get you started off on the right foot. So heed our wise counsel as we attempt to make your indoctrination into teen drinking as smooth and hassle-free as our own was difficult and vomit-stained.

What Should We Teens Drink?

We know that you’re all anxious to dive into the marvelous wonders of alcohol. You’ve seen cool older kids and your TV heroes drinking all sorts of diverse, fascinating, often colorful libations. But please, heed our word and start off by only drinking the following:

Teen Boys: Domestic, canned beer.
Teen Girls: Mike’s Hard Lemonade. (Save the labels for your locker)

A lot of teens (ourselves included) had to learn the hard way that it’s better to ease yourself into alcohol by starting with these basic cornerstones than to run around willy-nilly, slamming anything that came in a bottle and smelled like it could power a snowmobile.

Do not make the following mistakes:

Hard Liquor
This includes whiskey, rum, tequila, vodka, etc. The problem is that teens have no sense of when to say when. You have not yet learned how to interpret all of those warning signals that your teen bodies are sending you in response to the poison that you’re overindulging in. You will therefore see no problem with drinking an entire liter of “Pine Valley Well Gin”. You’ll then have to face the results: Suffering a massive stroke while streams of puke and shit simultaneously expel from every hole in your body.

Don’t Be Fooled By Packaging
“Hey, what’s this? Mad Dog 20/20!? It’s got cartoon strawberries and bananas on the bottle! It can’t hurt me! It’s sweet and tastes like Kool-Aid! I’m going to drink three of them really fast! Weee!”

Random Stuff From Your Dad’s Liquor Cabinet
Just because it’s in there doesn’t mean it’s a drink. How many nights did my friends and I waste, cluelessly trying to consume an entire glass of Triple Sec, Sloe Gin, Dry Vermouth, or bitters? Too many to count, teens.
Half Empties at Wedding Receptions
You have no idea what are in these half-empty and abandoned glasses at the reception hall, but you are betting fairly heavily on them consisting of at least 50% booze. Problem is they might be 100% Bacardi 151, and that’s why your Uncle Terry put it down just before he did the vomiting “Gator” out on the dance floor. At best, you will manage to drink some watered-down gin. At worst, be prepared to puke into a nearby plant, the DJ booth, or Aunt Mildred’s Cleavage.

The Beer Bong
Downing a beer is one thing, but would you risk for the rest of your life having to say that you suffered a stroke trying to drink a can of Old Milwaukee really fast? Also, ladies, watching a girl suck on a long hard beer bong hose makes me think of only one thing. And now you are thinking of it too. Chances are the drunken boys around you have been thinking it since they woke up today, and one might not want to encourage that, especially when they are about to voluntarily pass out in front of them.

Drinking Games
Don't waste your time playing these games, teens. You will perfect these gay pastimes in college (if you go).These games should only be used to lure reluctant girls into drinking (Ladies, don’t ever play drinking games).

The Best Ways To Get Booze:

So now that you know what to drink, you probably want to know how to get it. After all, you’re only a teen. You teen boys don’t look nearly old enough to buy beer with your patchy teen mustaches and underdeveloped shoulders. And you teen girls can’t pass for 21 either, what with your tiny, supple teen bodies, still so taut and firm, having not yet begun to lose what will be a lifelong battle against gravity. Your innocent, cherubic, teen-girl faces that have not yet been exposed to life’s cruelties and therefore maintain a youthful optimism that is as intoxicating as it is naive. So perfect. So unspoiled. So eager to learn from the experience of an older man. Whoa. Sorry. As I was saying, there are several ways to acquire alcohol when underaged. Here are a few tried and true methods that will have you buzzin’ in no time.

The Fake I.D.
If you can get your hands on one of these, you’ll be everyone’s hero. It doesn’t even have to be very good. Just find someone of your same gender and a similar race and you’re good to go (Some good excuses about not knowing your address by heart if they happen to ask you are: “I just moved”; “That’s my school address”, or “I’m developmentally retarded”).

That One Shady Store Across Town
Can’t get a fake I.D.? No problem. Apparently unaware of your state’s liquor laws, this scary-ass convenience store on the other side of town not only vends booze to minors, but also sells whip-its and lets you watch a genuine cockfight in the back room for five dollars (Bet on “El Hombre Grande”).

Your Friend’s Stepbrother, Randy
Randy will buy you beer, but beware; you will have to overpay him by about four hundred percent, bringing the grand total of that case of MGD to forty dollars. Additionally, he will forget what beer you requested and bring you back Genny Cream Ale instead. He will also drink four of them on his way home from the store. Deal with it.

That Homeless Guy With The Raiders Jacket On
If available, this is by far your best option. “That Homeless Guy With The Raiders Jacket On” will be glad to buy you beer because it will temporarily give his life purpose. As compensation for his efforts, he will often offer the option of either paying him three dollars or listening to his theory about how his ex-girlfriend and the government are all robots that want him dead. Pay him the three dollars.

Places To Drink

Now that you’ve got your mind-altering substance, where should you consume it? Society still frowns upon underage drinkers, so you need a place that offers privacy, but at the same time, aesthetic stimulation. Here are some popular locations that have worked for teens for ages.

The Woods Near Your House
A mainstay drinking destination utilized by the teenaged community for generations, “The Woods Near Your House” offers the perfect combination of isolation and adventure. Why don’t you and your dude friends take some pornographic magazines and some fireworks out there and make a day of it?

Under That One Bridge By The Freeway
Strewn about under “That One Bridge By The Freeway” are remnants of teens’ drinking outings from as far back as before Miller Lite changed it's can design. It’s also a great place to catch up on your graffiti gossip. Did you know, for instance, that “Eileen Lemish Loves Hard Cock” and that “Mike Beder Is A Faggit”? You do now! Beware; however, as you might run into “That Homeless Guy With The Raiders Jacket On” for this is were he sleeps. Be prepared to pay him another three dollars as you find out how this bridge blocks “Them Robot Rays”.

Your Friend Brad’s Divorced Mom’s Rec Room
Brad’s Divorced Mom has no qualms with Brad and his teen friends drinking in the basement. She thinks that all the other parents are uptight and reminds Brad that his father would never let Brad drink in he and his new wife’s basement. I guess we know who the cool parent is in that scenario.

The Quarry
We at The Phat Phree recognize the unlikelihood that there is a quarry within bike-riding distance of your house. But if you are one of these fortunate few, let us assure you that there is no cooler place to underage drink than a sweet, mysterious, rock-filled Quarry. See the not-so popular 1979 movie “Breaking Away” for proof of this.

We hope that this proves to be a valuable resource for you teens as you dive headfirst into the exciting world of underage drinking. And we’d like to take this opportunity to remind all of our teen readers that, as we are all fully licensed drivers between the ages of 26 and 35, The Phat Phree Writing Staff could prove invaluable to you and your friends at any social occasion. And with nationwide representation throughout this great country, there is most likely one of us near you right now. So where’s the after-prom party at this year?

6 Comments:

Blogger BlaineC said...

Remember that time Nick drank 3 40's and fell into the campfire? Good times.

10:38 AM

 
Blogger Nicholas Woodrich said...

You must be speaking of some other Nick. I do not have a history of falling into fires.

10:42 AM

 
Blogger Dennis Shoup said...

I once broke a tequila bottle with me noggin.

12:07 PM

 
Blogger BlaineC said...

It was a long time ago. I remember being flabbergasted at the concept of you ordering three 40s, but you seemed confident. I also remember carrying you to the car, and I thought there was some issues with the fire, but who knows?

12:15 PM

 
Blogger shitontoilet said...

Nick drake about a case at the lake last summer and fell into the fire twice. He's made no progress

2:17 PM

 
Anonymous DK said...

This is by far the best you have had to offer the world Mike. Keep up the good work.

3:39 PM

 

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