I changed my mind. This is no longer my slice of the American Dream pie. It is now just a place for me to bitch.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Mardi Gras St. Louis just two weeks away.

It’s that time of year again when unlimited booze, tons of worthless beads, and drunken women invade towns across America. Its time for Boobfest 2006 and whether it’s Gasparilla, Mardi Gras, Fantasy Fest or any other random festival in Anytown, USA there is sure to be some breasts coming out of their cages and making some cameo appearances.

It never ceases to amaze me what some women will do for a strand of worthless beads. For better or worse one thing holds true, these bead laden festivals are sure to bring out that special group of ladies we all know and love. So here is my guide to bead and boob watching for ’06. Use it however you see fit, make a game out of who can spot the most from the list, or just use it as your tour guide through the world of public displays of breasts.

The Hotgirl
Out of the group, she is the only one you hope to run into. She’s hot, she knows it, but smart she is not. She possesses the body of a porn star and the intellect of a hardwood floor. Offer her $20 to show her rack and she will flip you off, tell you she is not a whore, and call you a fucking asshole. Dangle a string of beads a few inches from her face and she can't whip her tits out fast enough.

The Skank
This girl has as much shame as self-esteem. She has never been treated nicely by a man and always feels as though she must go the extra mile to please even a stranger. Getting rewarded for anything is a foreign concept that will usually lead to feelings of worthlessness and guilt. To overcome these feelings she’s likely to throw in a twat shot or give a sexual favor.

The Goody Goody
On the surface she may look like a sure thing for the ‘most likely to meet your mother award’; however, she will annoy the living shit out you. This girl wants to be a slut more than the Scarecrow wanted brains; unfortunately her strong moral fiber will only allow her to dip her little piggies in the shallow end of slutting pool. This is her annual opportunity to ‘go crazy’ without risking an STD or unwanted pregnancy. She is easily spotted by the giddy look that appears on her face every time she makes the motion that she may flash. She will say things like “hee hee, I can’t believe I'm doing this” or “Oh my gosh, I'm so crazy” and “I can’t wait to tell all of my girlfriends back home how wild this was!” If you plan on capturing this moment on film, you better have high speed film, blink an eye and it’s gone. If you are trapped next to a group of these girls for any more than a few minutes you will want to poke your eyes out. These are the same girls that will also say things like “that’s gross”, “we already did it this month”, and “I'm not swallowing that.”

The Boob Job Bimbo
“Look at me. Look at me. Look at my giant titties!” She could care less that her breasts look like a pair of tube socks with an orange shoved in each end. To her they are magnificent and she wants you and everyone else around to take notice. Faced with the decision of paying for college or a new rack, she chose what felt right to her. And she wonders why she never gets a second date.

The Old Lady
It’s not your mother, or at least you hope not. But catching even a glance of this saggy rack is harder on the stomach than any half developed duck embryo swallowed on Fear Factor. She is as drunk as she feels young. She thinks she’s hot, and she was, in the Nixon era. Sometimes you get the old lady with the new boobs. This is a little easier on the eyes, but not by much.

The Ogre
This beast hasn’t had this much attention since the local community college Greeks sponsored their annual Hogging Competition. It takes all of her energy to reach under the massive melons and rip the bra away from her enormous torso. In a moment of self preservation adrenaline kicks in allowing the arms to move fast enough to prevent her hands from being crushed by her tits as they roll, and I do mean roll out of the bra. Her areolas are as big as a hubcap making it impossible to tell where the nip ends and the tit begins. Got Milk?

The 12 Year Old Boy
Who sold that kid cigarettes? Actually this isn’t a boy, but you will have to look twice to believe it. Her flat chest and freakishly small nipples perplexes even the drunkest bead wrangler. While everyone else may think ‘why even bother’ she’s an unstoppable force, bearing her chest to all that will look her way.

The Sista
Actually, I have yet to see a bona fide sista show the goods. I figure it’s either because there are just fewer of them in the crowd, or they have more respect for themselves than to act like a stupid, drunk-ass white girl.

Honorable Mentions
- The excessive piercing chick
- The wasted girl
- The angry goth chick

Well that’s my take on this years starting lineup, feel free to include any I may have left off the list, and good luck on your quest for breasts.


Blogger BlaineC said...

What about the "I Know Someone Who Lives Here" Girls? The group of 2 or 3 girls perched in a second floor window who tempt the crowd with the idea "If you throw enough beads up at us, one of us will show you our boobs". This concept, being apparent to the entire crowd, successfully causes an impenetrable motionless mob around the window that impedes foot traffic for blocks. After 20-30 minutes one of the window girls will mercifully give the crowd a brief flash to the sound of a half hearted "woo hoo" from the crowd, then everyone will move along, completely unfulfilled and mad that they spent 20 minutes on said activity.

3:30 PM


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