I changed my mind. This is no longer my slice of the American Dream pie. It is now just a place for me to bitch.

Friday, January 27, 2006

This just in: Jesus may have taken some artistic license with the Bible

REUTERS- After their recent success in exposing countless fabrications in James Frey’s best-selling book, A Million Little Pieces, The Smoking Gun is setting its sights on a higher power: the Holy Bible.

In a press release this week, TSG reported wild embellishment of several key story points in the highest selling book of all time.

“It didn’t take long for our investigation to uncover numerous fabrications. It’s [the Bible] full of improbable and impossible situations, it just can’t be real,” said a spokesperson for TSG, “walking on water, resurrection, turning water into wine… curing diseases with a high five? Need we go on? Ridiculous; it’s made up,” adding, “look, we’re not trying to downplay the importance of religion, we just want to keep it honest.”

Christ refused to comment in the first few days after the TSG press release, but did seemingly reference the accusations on his blog, posting: “Yet another attempt to bring me down. Let those haters hate on JC, they’re a bunch of wangstas.”

Later the same week, in a long awaited press conference, Jesus would attempt to put to rest any doubts of the book’s authenticity. “Two thousand years of undisturbed devotion, and now this? Y’all better check yourselves. Nancy Drew and The Smoking Gun better slow their roll - for real.”

The following night, Christ appeared on Larry King Live to be bombarded with a barrage of angry questions and call-ins, including a surprise phone call from Oprah, who phoned in to publicly declare that she was removing the Bible from her popular book club. Oprah added, “You should be ashamed, sir, you have conned the masses …sorry, I didn’t mean for that to be a pun. Point is, you have shrouded the Bible in deceit. Walking on water… I can’t believe I bought that.”

Jesus responding by saying that while some parts of the Bible may have been slightly enhanced for dramatic effect, it wasn’t meant to take away from the message the book intended. He then snapped his fingers and Oprah became morbidly obese.

Experts say Bible sales will experience a decline in the next few months, as will church attendance and pancake breakfasts. Pope Benedict XVI has postponed his "SNL" host appearance, and the Virgin Mary has declined response to inquiries whether or not her image would be making appearances in South American tortillas in the next few weeks.


Blogger Dennis Shoup said...

Yeah it reminds me of Krusty the Clown's autobiography, self serving and full of ommissions.

12:40 PM


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