I changed my mind. This is no longer my slice of the American Dream pie. It is now just a place for me to bitch.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

SADD

I suffer from an affliction I like to call “Sexual Attention Deficit Disorder” or SADD for short. What this means is that I get bored while having sex. If I stay in one position for too long my mind starts to wander. Luckily I was blessed with the ability to multi-task. So I can continue rocking the world of the woman who found it in her heart to throw me some sympathy sex while mentally making a shopping list for the next afternoon.

Another advantage to having this condition is that since my mind isn’t completely on the task at hand I really take in the things that my partner says in the throws of passion. I have had ample time to ponder the real meaning behind some of the things that a woman says during sex; some of the “catchphrases”, if you will. These are the little quips (not to be confused with queefs) that women throw out there between the moaning and breathing and sometimes uncontrollable sneezing. Usually they’re part of some sort of dirty talk. We, as men, love to hear these things, but we rarely take time to analyze them. So I’ve put together a list of a few of the more common phrases and my musings about them.

“I’m so wet right now.” – These are the magic words. Up until now we’ve just been making out, groping, maybe a little dry humping, nothing too serious. But when you women finally decide to share with us the very intimate and slightly gross knowledge of the level of moisture permeating your panties, then we know it’s on like Donkey Kong. While we’re were just making out I’m thinking “This is nice. I wonder how far we’ll go?” But as soon as I hear that wonderful phrase I think “Wet, huh? I’d better go down there and investigate."

“Do you have a condom?”
Every guy gets this one all the time. When we’re back at my place it is a simple straight forward question. I really don’t expect you to have condoms in your purse. Although many women do, and may God bless you prepared promiscuous sluts. But when a woman picks me up at a party and we go back to her place it’s just a game she’s playing. When I’m in a woman’s bedroom and she asks me if I have a condom, I just think “Stop trying to pretend you’re all wholesome and innocent. You gave me a handjob in the bathroom at that frat party after only one beer. You’re obviously quite the sex hound. Obviously, I’m not carrying a box of Trojans in my wallet. So stop trying to be coy, go on over to your desk, open the second drawer from the top, which we both know is the “sex drawer”, push the vibrator, lube and nipple clamps to the side and grab one of the myriad of condoms you have in there, preferably a ribbed one because I like to wear them inside out.”

“I want you inside me so bad.” – The last time I heard this it really got me thinking. This is actually what was going through my mind when I was having sex. “I wonder what it’s like to want someone inside you. I can’t recall ever having the desire for any part of any person to be inside of me. I’ve never even been to a proctologist. Whenever a woman says this, she is always referring to my penis. If I were to stick something else of mine in there technically I’d still be inside her. But I don’t think she really wants to be elbow fucked. It’s kind of sad that I won’t ever know what it’s like to have sex from a woman’s perspective. They really do enjoy it more than men. But I really don’t want a vagina. Those things bleed for no reason.”

“Deeper.” – This one just pisses me off. Women always say it like it’s an actual option. Listen, lady, it’s not like I have a few extra inches in storage. I’m already giving you everything I’ve got. If I could make it a little bit bigger at will, then it would already be tickling the back of your throat.

“Do you smell that?” – This one isn’t very common. As a matter of fact, my friends tell me that that’s only happened to me. I guess I shouldn’t have eaten all that soul food before going out.

6 Comments:

Blogger crazyalicia said...

you never cease to amaze me with crap you come up with, but thanks for the laugh today

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...wow...
just, wow...

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