I changed my mind. This is no longer my slice of the American Dream pie. It is now just a place for me to bitch.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Wedding Crashers

I got an invitation to Larissa's wedding bitches! You know what that means? Booze, buffets, bridesmaids...It's the three Bs. The invitation asked how many people I plan on bringing. I put 15 for good measure. So anyone who wants to go just RSVP me.

Coincidently there is a hilarious article on CH.com about hooking up at a wedding. Very useful

Wedding Hookups Explained
This update was posted on Saturday, July 16th, 2005.


Ricky Van Veen So I saw Wedding Crashers last night. Really good movie. I'm not going to give a lot away, but let me predict that the Vince Vaughn line "I don't give a baker's fuck" is going to be a big catch phrase this upcoming fall. Mark my words, Mark. That wasn't a typo- I'm currently dictating this article to my assistant Mark.

Regardless, seeing the movie reminded me of an article I had written a while ago explaining why weddings are the most sure-fire place to hook up with girls (with the obvious exception of the Criagslist Missed Connections section, but you knew that). So, in the emotionally unhealthy spirit of loveless lovemaking, here goes...

1) Love is in the air. Everybody is happy at a wedding. There's good food, pretty decorations, and everybody is dressed to the nines. See All You're looking stellar and so is your potential hookup. Everybody knows the bride or groom in some way, which makes for easy conversation pieces. For example, "Wow, Heather just looks radiant in that wedding dress, doesn't she? I can only hope my wife will look so dashing... wherever she is out there" (be sure to say while slowly turning head and staring at a nearby candle). You might as well take the condoms out of your overnight bag at this point

2) Everyone is drinking. But not like normal kind of "out to a bar" drunk. Wedding drunk. Wedding drunk is a level of intoxication that goes far beyond the normal human standards for drunkenness. Even the old people are sloshed, which starts a dangerous downward spiral of parental consent to the younger crowd, and in turn, furthers your chances of getting your D wet.

3) Everyone is going back to a hotel. Dudes, think about it. You spend just about all of your bar-going nights trying to get someone to come back to where your bed is. The "girl-to-domicile" conversion is the toughest play in the book to pull off smoothly. But at a wedding, any prospective hookup is ALREADY GOING BACK TO SLEEP AT THE SAME PLACE YOU ARE. Seriously, could things get any better for your chances? Maybe if you had a magical wiener that shot out loads of 0 bills. Maybe.

4) Biological clocks are being wound and feverishly ticking. Nothing makes a girl worry more about the emptiness of her own future than seeing someone else's life come together right before her very eyes. And nothing cold help your game more. Well, except for that aforementioned hotel thing. But anyway, use this to your advantage. When a girl's maternal instinct is saying "somebody put a baby in me as soon as possible," what gives you the right to deny what evolution has intended? Now respect Mother Nature and get impregnatin'.*

* Don't really impregnate- use a condom or a hotel-supplied shower-cap.

5) The bride and groom are having sex that night and everybody knows it. What does this mean for you? Well, in the back of your potential hookup's mind is the knowledge that her friend is off "doin' it to it." Ever meet a girl at a party, but can't close the deal because she feels bad because her friend isn't getting any? This is the total opposite, amigos. The potential one-night stand knows that her friend is off consummating the marriage and having the craziest night of sex she'll ever have. Or in the case of the bride and groom both being virgins, the most awkward, bloody, fumbling, uncomfortable sexual experience of their young lives.

6) No awkward future. Last but certainly not least, this one here might be the most important part. So many male/female rendezvous never come to fruition because of the sheer notion of the ensuing weirdness that will come post-coitus. This doesn't usually factor in at a wedding, unless you're hooking up with someone you'll see at a future family reunion, which I hope isn't the case. Furthermore, most of the time you don't even live in the same state as the person you just spooned naked with for the four hours before the last moment you ever see them again.

What else needs to happen to this playing field to make it more even for you? Nothing... exactly. A wedding is a bases-loaded situation with a Junior High Girls' Softball pitcher throwing you a slow one right down the center. Now go find a bridesmaid and round those bases, kiddo.


Read the article here and then check out his other articles he is the best writer since sliced bread.

12 Comments:

Blogger Nicholas Woodrich said...

We are soooo going to play Another One Bites the Dust.

9:08 AM

 
Blogger BlaineC said...

Yes! It'll be awesome!

9:37 AM

 
Blogger Michael David Petrovich said...

No we are not doing that. First, we are not the ushers (is that how you spell usher, I know that is how you spell it for the singer/songwriter). Second, we are barely liked by many in the wedding party. Third, even with out the first and second things it would still be a bad idea.

10:55 AM

 
Blogger Michael David Petrovich said...

I just read that article again. I am going to start saying, "Getting my D wet" a lot more. I mean a lot more. So much so that it will lose all meaning.

11:00 AM

 
Blogger B Rad said...

C'moooooonnnnnn Humor me - little sleepy here!

11:58 AM

 
Blogger Nicholas Woodrich said...

There is never a bad time for Another One Bites the Dust. Mike, I just think you're jealous that Blaine and I thought of this first. All these years of you saying it was a bad idea is just your sick way of dealing with the pain. I understand where you're coming from though. If I was the only usher not to think of this, I would be angry too.

12:50 PM

 
Anonymous brianne said...

Mike, you are making me very nervous.

8:52 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nick- post your adress if you want to be invited to this shindig. Also, there will be NO Another One Bites the Dust. We think you are forgetting who is in control here. Lastly, security will be very tight at this wedding- one word.... SHAWNA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If any of you bitches plan any pranks, we will have Shawna all over your asses so fast you'll be crying for your mamas!

9:09 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Love, Larissa and Brianne

9:10 AM

 
Blogger Nicholas Woodrich said...

I gave Val my address to give to you.

4:25 PM

 
Blogger BlaineC said...

Larissa, I can't make it to the wedding, but could you send me an invitation anyway? I'm going to give it to a homeless guy.

8:26 AM

 
Blogger Nicholas Woodrich said...

Give it to the guy who's family was killed by ninja's. A guy who's been through all of that deserves it.

8:51 AM

 

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